Well here we are again, another due date. Today is, what should have been, due date #4. It seems a bit weird to think about. This due date is different though.
Each due date has been different than the others. This time, I am 19 weeks pregnant with a little girl. I never knew the gender of the first 4 babies. I never got to see their heartbeats or see them wiggle on the ultrasound. It was heartbreaking to know everything that would never be with each of them.
My 4th pregnancy was actually my shortest. I found out before I was even 4 weeks, that I would be miscarrying. I remember that phone call from my doctor vividly. The call that my numbers were dropping and she expected that I'd begin to miscarry in 2 or 3 days. Right on time, the bleeding began.
It was after that 4th loss that I seriously began to wonder if I would ever be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Would we ever see a heartbeat, get good news from the doctor, see our baby move on the ultrasound screen, feel the baby kick inside my belly... would we ever bring a baby home? I wasn't sure, but I did know that it all had to be for a reason and that one day, everything would be okay. One day I would heal.
Now, I'm not saying that since I am pregnant again, that I have forgotten the pain and loss of our first 4 babies.... I remember every second. But I sometimes feel that knowing that sort of pain, has made me appreciate this life so much more. At the same time, since I am now experiencing those moments that I missed out on with the first 4 babies, I now KNOW what I missed out on.
I don't for a second doubt that they are all in a better place. A place where they will never know pain or heartbreak. None of them will ever know the grief that comes with living on earth. All that they will ever know is joy and happiness, and for that... I am thankful.
I would have loved to have each and every one of them here with me for more longer, but I can't change the past. There is nothing that I could've done to change what has happened. It also doesn't hurt to know that this little lady that I am carrying now, has 4 guardian angels looking out for her.
The Bible verse that gave me the title for my blog, rings more and more true each and every day.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11