Monday, March 31, 2014

Oh the fun of waiting

So currently I am just over half way done with my two week wait and surprisingly I'm not a giant ball of nerves. Typically I am looking for every possible symptom (real or imagined) and googling like crazy to see if every little thing is a symptom that I'd never heard of before.

This time, I am calm. I am at peace with it all. I am excited to see what could happen this month but the results of that little test will not make or break my happiness. I am happy either way. Obviously, a pregnancy would be incredible but I am happy either way.

I will admit I've noticed a few symptoms over the past few days but I am choosing to take everything as it comes and hope for the best. This weekend I actually felt like I was car sick... while standing inside our house. Then a bit later we actually were driving around, and still felt car sick. Didn't realize it until today that that very well could've been a symptom... or it could have been nothing.

This is a new thing for me though.. the calm thing. I really quite like it. Not to mention it has been pretty fun freaking out the husband here and there. Did I mention that I had 2 follicles the same size at my appt awhile back? Sooo we already have twins on both sides of our families... now there are 2 follicles. Soooo possibility of twins? I keep seeing twins EVERYWHERE. I had a dream and there were two little girls about 3 or 4 years old taking a nap. From my husbands demeanor in the dream, it seemed like they were ours. Then yesterday at church a couple came to sit down next to us and sure enough... carrying twin baby girls.

It's sort of funny. I always said "I only want one at a time." After everything, I'll take whatever we can get. I have wondered over the past week whether that could be the reason behind my losses. Maybe God was softening my heart to the idea of multiples. Maybe we were just being told to wait for these 2. Or maybe I won't even get pregnant this month, or if I am... maybe it'll only be with one baby. For now, I guess I will have to wait to find out. I truly believe that we would always have been thrilled for whatever God blesses us with and love however many babies we get but after everything... I believe that we will have extra appreciation for any children we are lucky enough to call ours.

I am hoping that this post didn't just jinx me and now I'll turn into a total crazy person over every little possible symptom haha. :)

If you are the praying kind, please keep us in your prayers. We can use every bit of help that we can get. :)

Friday, March 21, 2014

Shots! Shots! Shots!

Noooo not that kind of shot. And actually it was only one shot. I don't know about you but I generally avoid shots at all costs. I hate needles. HATE! However, over the last year and all of the dozens of blood draws, I've become quite good at getting blood drawn. I still never watch the needle though. It creeps me out. Makes me nauseous. 

That takes us to this month. This month my doctor wanted me to trigger ovulation. Can do. Don't like needles but like I said before... I'm ready for whatever it takes. I will admit I was pretty nervous about having to give myself a shot. Not as much the shot itself but that I'd actually need to watch the needle. I thought the close my eyes and hope for the best method was probably not the best idea. 

In that giant box, was this TINY needle. And I mean tiny. I was still slightly nervous since I've never been able to watch a professional give me a shot even lol. But now we are done. I did go incredibly slow so it took more effort than my close my eyes and stab method would have taken to get that tiny needle in my stomach. Here is to hoping this month is the month! :)

And here is a picture to show just how tiny that little needle was haha. I'm such a baby. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A good day

Today has been a good day for me. I woke up in a good mood and before going in to work I had another doctor appointment. I love hearing "everything looks perfect"... Now if I could only hear that from the doctor while I'm pregnant. 

She seemed very happy with everything but just because she wanted to try being a bit more aggressive this cycle, she's going to have me trigger ovulation. This is certainly new for me. I've never been a fan of needles but after all of the blood draws, one tiny needle should be nothing right? It is for a good reason and I'm actually looking forward to it. This means we are one step closer to a possible pregnancy. I'm just hoping I don't chicken out when it's time to stab myself with a needle!

I love my doctor and love how positive and confident that she is. She just kept saying "You should be pregnant. I want you pregnant this month!" Haha. Here is to hoping that we both get what we want. :)

Work went well today and after work I went over to hang out with my mom, sister in law and nieces, which always makes me happy. 

Overall, today was a really good day. I am hoping for another day like this tomorrow.   It is really nice to feel good after the day is over. I want this feeling to keep going. 

Here's to thinking happy thoughts. I haven't lost hope. :)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Ready?

Were you ready for all of this? I sure as heck wasn't. I mean, yes, I was ready to start a family (well as "ready" as one can be right?!). I was ready for our lives to change. I was ready to change up our budget and our sleep schedule. I was ready to bring a person into this world, a little person to call me mom.

But this... blood draws, tests, appointments, medications, bleeding, crying, heartache. THAT I was not ready for. Sure, you know it is a possibility. We all know that it is a possibility. But really, the first one? Nah...

Then again, what were the chances of getting pregnant right away?

As time passes I think more and more about how naive we were. As if we could somehow choose when this would happen. We could plan. That's just it though isn't it? It isn't truly up to us. This isn't like some new product that you can just go pick up at the store one day and know it will work right out of the box.

Some days I wonder if I'm cut out for all of this. How much heartbreak can a girl take? How many pregnancies and miscarriages and waiting will it take to bring home our baby?

But at least now I know. I know that I am ready. No matter what it takes, I am ready. I will gladly give as much blood as they need to take. I will take whatever medications that my doctor wants to prescribe. Naivety is gone.

I know what I am getting myself into and I'm ready.

Some days are still harder than others. Sometimes it is the little things that catch you off guard and bring tears to your eyes. But this will all be worth it. I know it will. God has a plan. I have to trust and be patient.

***Proud Aunt moment. My newest little niece is freaking adorable! Here are the 2 of us on Super Bowl Sunday and then a more recent pic. I just love getting to spend time with my nieces. It is so much fun. Hopefully this is just me getting some practice for my own kiddos. :)



Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Another month... another plan?

Well, looks like another negative this month.

Back in the beginning of December I had a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage) and after that one my doctor changed up the plan with increasing my femara as well as placing me on progesterone just to give it a try. She told me that if there was still nothing after 3 months we would change up the plan again. First cycle, never got a positive OPK. Okay, that's weird... maybe my body was re-regulating with the miscarriage and the increased meds. Cycle 2, ovulated kind of early for me and timing wise... that month just didn't work out. This cycle, positive OPK on cycle day 11. I don't know about you, but for me that is pretty dang early. Like 3-6 days early. So naturally I didn't expect much out of this cycle based on the timeline.

So that brings us to today, I tested this morning, negative. So I called my doctor this morning to let them know, 3rd cycle negative, what is the next step? I get a call back a bit later and of course I am working and miss the call. So I called back and left another message. I wait another 2 hours and got another call back. Thankfully I was watching for the call and picked up this time.

Go figure... my doctor is currently on vacation out of town and won't be returning until next Wednesday. Her first available appointment would be March 17th... Um... that's gonna be a no. I'm not sitting out yet another cycle. Not happening. As nicely as I could without totally losing it, I said no. That's not going to work. Well... she doesn't get back until Wednesday so we can have her give you a call then to figure out the new plan. Again, not going to work as I am out of the Femara which I take cycle days 3-7. Which would mean, I'd miss taking that in time. So again, I said no. Thankfully, the nurse said to just call back on cycle day 1 and they will call in a refill of my Femara and I can then take that on schedule until my doctor is back in the office on Wednesday when she can then call me with the new plan.

Ugh... what a frustrating day. I wake up to a negative and a whole lot of new snow outside. I hate snow. I mostly hate driving in it, but the cold isn't my favorite either. Then my doctor is out of town. Really? :( this is just getting old. I'd really like to avoid anything more being piled on to this fun day.