I can't believe it is already mid February. My Valentine's Day has been spent at work. This evening, with the husband out of town, I will be hanging out with my nieces which I'm pretty darn excited about.
It is interesting to think about where I am at this year and where I was at last Valentine's Day. A year ago I was coming to terms with the fact that I'd already had my first miscarriage, little did I know I would soon be miscarrying again.
After that first miscarriage, I truly never thought that it would happen again. I certainly never expected it to happen 3 more times. Now here I sit, in a very similar place but somehow, I am different. I am still married, still healthy, still happy. But a year ago... I was so much more naive. Naive to think that I could somehow just decide when I would have children. Naive to think that once pregnant, there would be a baby arriving about 9 months later.
I was fully aware that miscarriage was a possibility. My mom had 3 between my brother and I so of course I knew that it could happen. I don't regret continuing on this path toward hopefully bringing home a child, but I have to keep reminding myself what I have gotten out of the journey so far. I can't simply look at the number of children at home last year vs this year. There is still so much good that has come out of this year. I have a closer relationship with my husband, family and a few friends. I have even made new friends.. other women who have also come to that realization that bringing home your child is not always as easy as you'd think. I'd like to think that I am stronger than I was a year ago. If you'd told me that I'd experience 4 losses in one year, I cannot say for sure that I'd have kept trying. At least not then.
This journey is a tough one. It has now been just over a year, and I know that for many women, one year is nothing. But in that year I have been pregnant and miscarried 4 times. I have had dozens and dozens of vials of blood drawn. Dozens of tests run, all coming back "normal". Many appointments and phone calls. Did I mention the number of pregnancy tests purchased? haha. Weeks of incredible excitement. Days of devastating news followed by thousands of tears.
I am not the same person that I was one year ago, but I know that I am a better person for it. I know that God has a plan, and it is a far better plan than I could ever imagine. I am learning to wait patiently.