While this journey to bring home our first child has been incredibly rough, I know that I am so beyond blessed. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a good job, awesome co-workers, health and happiness. There are still the days where I just need to have a pity party. Sometimes I need to pout and eat my feelings for an evening. But overall, I am truly happy.
This month didn't bring the positive test that I'd hoped for. I will not be due on October 15th again this year. That was a tough pill to swallow (oh the irony since I have a handful of pills and vitamins that I have to take every day for all of this). I'd had myself convinced, maybe I am... but as the time went on, I just knew I couldn't be. It didn't feel right. Is it sad that I have been pregnant enough times in the past year, that I can tell what's going on waaaay too early? lol.
Anyway, I've decided to give myself one day. One day to have my pity party. I'm going to eat junk food and drink beer. And then I must move on. I need to work on eating healthy, working out and looking forward to what the future may hold. I cannot get stuck in the past. I cannot allow myself to be consumed by pity and sadness and fear.
It can be difficult to be so surrounded by families, but I've found that when it is people that I know, it makes me happier, but for some reason, those darn strangers always get to me. They piss me off. Look at her walking through the grocery store all pregnant... Ohhh, now I have to slow my car down so that you can turn into a day care center to drop your kid off?! REALLY? Yes, some seriously logical reasons to be annoyed right? haha.
I know that this can't be the whole story. This can't be the ultimate goal. There has to be something more in store for our future. My dream has always been to be a mom. Currently, I get my mom fix in when I get to spend time with my newest niece, but that won't sustain me forever.
So for now, I focus on happiness. I focus on the positive things in my life. I don't have time to be weighed down with negativity and anger, though that would be an easier escape in this whole situation. I thank God that He has given me the strength to keep moving, keep fighting, and keep on track. I know that He has a plan and I am doing my best to be patient and wait for it to unfold. I know that there is something amazing waiting for me on this journey (please please please let it be a baby). I guess I have to just wait.... again. But I still have hope. :)