Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Taxes... another reminder that we don't have kids

We had an appointment tonight to get our taxes done. Last we ended up having to pay about $3,000 for whatever reason. First time home buyer tax credit was gone so that was out, and because we'd just bought our house in December, we couldn't claim ANY house related stuff on our taxes.

Okay, well a year later, surely we'll have a kid. AND we updated what was being withdrawn from our paychecks to make sure we wouldn't have another year like last.

Tonight, I was hoping for a refund, husband was fully expecting to pay at least a few hundred dollars. I mean, let's face it, if you have a decent job, not rolling in the dough... you get totally screwed. Sorry. No better way to put it. You get totally screwed.

She finishes inputting our information into the computer and there it is... our total. We still owed over $2,000! HOW THE HECK DOES THIS HAPPEN?! Basically since we didn't go outside of our means and buy an expensive home, because we didn't get stuck with a high interest rate on our mortgage and because... oh you'll love this "because there are no dependents" there really aren't any additional deductions.

Yes. Thank you. ANOTHER reminder of no children. I almost forgot for a whole 5 minutes. So really... thank you for giving me yet another reason why recurrent pregnancy loss SUCKS.

At this point, I think me not working and instead collecting unemployment and clipping coupons all day might actually make more sense financially. How is that?

We did things the way that we were supposed to. We have jobs (and yes, pay our taxes). We work hard. We bought a house that we could afford. We waited to start a family... And now look where we are. Another $2,000 gone and no kids. What a wonderful way to spend an evening...

UGH.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Amazing post

Someone sent me the link to this blog post this weekend. I read it and it is amazing. She puts into words so many things that I've felt but hadn't quite figured out how to say. She brings to light the incredibly disconnected view so many have on miscarried babies vs aborted babies. It was a really good read. I highly recommend it. :)

http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html?m=1

And to the writer Rachel, thank you for this. Maybe the next time I get a strange look from someone when I explain my 4 babies in heaven, I will refer them to this post to better understand where I am coming from. Thank you for speaking out for so many women who can't, won't or don't know how.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why...

Why does this have to be so difficult? I mean really.

I was on Facebook earlier tonight and it just seems like post after post of newborns, pregnant bellies, and ultrasound pictures. I know that this is just me being mopey but it's frustrating. I also know that I don't know what all of those people have been through. Maybe they went through the same testing that I have, maybe they did IVF... The fact is that I don't know their stories nor is it truly my business. I just so long to have what they have... I want a baby. 

It's a pity part kind of night I guess. Just needed to vent a bit. 

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day

I can't believe it is already mid February. My Valentine's Day has been spent at work. This evening, with the husband out of town, I will be hanging out with my nieces which I'm pretty darn excited about.

It is interesting to think about where I am at this year and where I was at last Valentine's Day. A year ago I was coming to terms with the fact that I'd already had my first miscarriage, little did I know I would soon be miscarrying again.

After that first miscarriage, I truly never thought that it would happen again. I certainly never expected it to happen 3 more times. Now here I sit, in a very similar place but somehow, I am different. I am still married, still healthy, still happy. But a year ago... I was so much more naive. Naive to think that I could somehow just decide when I would have children. Naive to think that once pregnant, there would be a baby arriving about 9 months later.

I was fully aware that miscarriage was a possibility. My mom had 3 between my brother and I so of course I knew that it could happen. I don't regret continuing on this path toward hopefully bringing home a child, but I have to keep reminding myself what I have gotten out of the journey so far. I can't simply look at the number of children at home last year vs this year. There is still so much good that has come out of this year. I have a closer relationship with my husband, family and a few friends. I have even made new friends.. other women who have also come to that realization that bringing home your child is not always as easy as you'd think. I'd like to think that I am stronger than I was a year ago. If you'd told me that I'd experience 4 losses in one year, I cannot say for sure that I'd have kept trying. At least not then.

This journey is a tough one. It has now been just over a year, and I know that for many women, one year is nothing. But in that year I have been pregnant and miscarried 4 times. I have had dozens and dozens of vials of blood drawn. Dozens of tests run, all coming back "normal". Many appointments and phone calls. Did I mention the number of pregnancy tests purchased? haha. Weeks of incredible excitement. Days of devastating news followed by thousands of tears.

I am not the same person that I was one year ago, but I know that I am a better person for it. I know that God has a plan, and it is a far better plan than I could ever imagine. I am learning to wait patiently.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Baby pictures

So I've blogged before about my newest niece. She is now just over a month old. Well a few weeks ago we took some newborn photos of the little one. I thought I could share a few here. I've literally NEVER done newborn photos before so we were really learning as we went haha. We (and by all of the "we"s, I mean me and my sister in law) will probably take some more pics sometime now that we sort of got a handle on things. Last time we didn't start figuring things out until we were pretty much done.

She is absolutely adorable and I can't believe how much different she looks already. She's a wiggly and smiley little thing. Anyway... on to the pictures...






Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Liebster Award

Liebster Award

So this Liebster Award has been making its way around the blogger world and thanks to My Life As A Case Study, it is now my turn. So here we go...


1. What is your middle name? Elizabeth, it was my great grandmother's middle name. My mom tells me that I still make the same faces that she made.
2. When did you get married? June 18, 2011 - it was a gorgeous day in Anchorage, AK. So glad that the family from out of town were able to see how beautiful it really is here.













3. Favorite event in the Winter Olympics?  Not really huge into the Olympics. Is that weird? I much prefer watching the NFL to be quite honest.
4. Best thing about summer? Sunshine!!! Not sure about where you live, but here in Alaska, summer means up to 20 hours of daylight. There were actually times growing up where we were running through sprinklers in the yard at 10pm. Ah.. this is making me miss summer. Maybe I'll blog about Alaska summers some time haha.
5. Favorite TV Series? Hmmm... at the moment the answer to that could be How I Met Your Mother, Rules of Engagement or Big Bang Theory.
6. Favorite music artist from the 70′s? Aaaaaaand I have no idea.
7. Favorite movie from the 1990′s? Technically 1989 but I still pick When Harry Met Sally
http://www.gaiahealthblog.com/wordpress1/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/HarrySallycover2.jpg
8. Why do you blog? I have always been someone who likes to talk things out and I'd always wanted to start a blog. After my 3rd miscarriage it felt like a natural thing to do. I felt like I needed a place to vent (to avoid continuously unloading on every acquaintance who happens to ask how I'm doing). Most of all though, I felt like I needed to share my story to hopefully help someone else someday.

 So this may be incredibly lame of me, and I'm okay with that, but I am not sure who to nominate for this. I have been seeing this everywhere and can't remember who hasn't actually been nominated yet. Sorry :(

Happiness

While this journey to bring home our first child has been incredibly rough, I know that I am so beyond blessed. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a good job, awesome co-workers, health and happiness. There are still the days where I just need to have a pity party. Sometimes I need to pout and eat my feelings for an evening. But overall, I am truly happy.

This month didn't bring the positive test that I'd hoped for. I will not be due on October 15th again this year. That was a tough pill to swallow (oh the irony since I have a handful of pills and vitamins that I have to take every day for all of this). I'd had myself convinced, maybe I am... but as the time went on, I just knew I couldn't be. It didn't feel right. Is it sad that I have been pregnant enough times in the past year, that I can tell what's going on waaaay too early? lol.

Anyway, I've decided to give myself one day. One day to have my pity party. I'm going to eat junk food and drink beer. And then I must move on. I need to work on eating healthy, working out and looking forward to what the future may hold. I cannot get stuck in the past. I cannot allow myself to be consumed by pity and sadness and fear.

It can be difficult to be so surrounded by families, but I've found that when it is people that I know, it makes me happier, but for some reason, those darn strangers always get to me. They piss me off. Look at her walking through the grocery store all pregnant... Ohhh, now I have to slow my car down so that you can turn into a day care center to drop your kid off?! REALLY? Yes, some seriously logical reasons to be annoyed right? haha. 

I know that this can't be the whole story. This can't be the ultimate goal. There has to be something more in store for our future. My dream has always been to be a mom. Currently, I get my mom fix in when I get to spend time with my newest niece, but that won't sustain me forever.

So for now, I focus on happiness. I focus on the positive things in my life. I don't have time to be weighed down with negativity and anger, though that would be an easier escape in this whole situation. I thank God that He has given me the strength to keep moving, keep fighting, and keep on track. I know that He has a plan and I am doing my best to be patient and wait for it to unfold. I know that there is something amazing waiting for me on this journey (please please please let it be a baby). I guess I have to just wait.... again. But I still have hope. :)


Monday, February 3, 2014

What to say...

What to say... I have experienced 4 miscarriages of my own and have had some amazing women open up to me about their own miscarriages. But what do you say to someone when you hear that they too, are one of us now?

It is so heartbreaking to learn of another woman losing a child, especially when you know the feeling all too well. I ache for them. I cry for them. I pray for them. I remember with each miscarriage, that point of "This is real... I've lost a child".  It is such a surreal place to find yourself. 

But what do you say to that woman next to you who just had her heart shattered by this news? Do you say "I'm sorry"?  It doesn't feel like enough. I truly am sorry. It is something that I'd never wish on anyone to experience. But somehow it doesn't feel like enough. 

I know that no words will change what has happened but I feel like I need to do what I can to help. Start healing that wound. Start moving on to "after miscarriage" as I've called it before

I know you've heard it a million times but life can change in an instant. One minute she's a happy, hopeful pregnant woman... The next she's a broken, confused woman who was pregnant. 

I recently learned of another angel baby that has made their way to heaven. While I am glad for that child to have such eternal happiness... My heart aches for the family's loss. I pray that The Lord is holding this family tight and is pouring out His love and comfort to them right now. They need it.