Wednesday, January 8, 2014

New baby and a new cycle

So let me take you through where I've been at lately. After my last miscarriage, my doctor changed up the plan. She doubled my dose of Femara CD 3-7 and then she wanted me to start on Progesterone starting 4 days after a positive ovulation test. Easy enough right?... WRONG. I took my Femara CD 3-7, easy. I then went to see my Dr CD13 to see how the additional Femara had impacted my follicles. If there were more than 2, it would be a no go for this month. Thankfully there was only one perfect follicle ready to go. She said that everything looked great and I should expect to see that positive ovulation test in the next couple of days by how things looked. So I started testing. Every day. Sometimes even twice a day because I've had it happen in the past where I got a negative first thing in the morning but I just thought it would be that day, and sure enough I'd get a positive in the evening.

I use those digital ovulation tests because I do NOT want to be trying to figure out how dark my line should be in order to consider it a positive ovulation test... Well, they recently updated the tests to give you a circle if it is negative, a blinking smiley face if it is a high fertility day (for a few days leading up to your positive) and then a solid smiley face for your positive. First day, empty circle, negative. Second day, blinking smiley face!... and the 3rd, and the 4th, and the 5th... I got 2 WEEKS of those darn blinking smiley faces. I tell ya, by day 7 I wanted to hit whoever came up with the blinking smiley face test. By day 14, the blinking smiley face made me laugh. It was absolutely ridiculous. This made no sense. I was due to start AF in less than a week now. I called my doctor because I just wasn't sure if this was right. Does this mean I didn't ovulate this month? I've never had that happen that I know of. Does this mean that I missed it somehow? Does this mean that my body is just readjusting so somehow it is taking a reallllly long time to get the positive ovulation test? What's going on? Well, I finally called my doctor last Thursday and told them what was going on. They want me to come in to get more blood drawn to check my progesterone levels.

So step one, Femara, DONE. Step 2 positive ovulation test, ??? ehhh... not so much. Well that's just stupid. BUT I had come to accept this awhile back and decided that there is the possibility that my body is just getting readjusted to the increased meds and might just need a little more time. I would rather have to wait a little longer for a HEALTHY baby than to go through another miscarriage. Well yesterday morning, out of sheer confusion I took a pregnancy test on the off chance maybe I'd missed that positive ovulation test and I was somehow pregnant. Well, that was a big fat negative. Not even the hint of a line there. Again, as I had expected through this cycle.

A few hours later I got some good news, my sister in law was having some contractions (she was due a few days ago). Not long after they were on the way to the hospital to have that baby!!! It was news that gave me sort of mixed emotions. I was truly happy for them and so excited to have a new niece, but at the same time this was the moment I've been waiting more than 7 months for. The day I knew was coming. The day that I would have to stop and think "I should've had a 2 week old at this point". And yes, that thought did cross my mind. How could it not?

Less than 5 hours after they arrived at the hospital, my niece was born. While I was incredibly excited and so happy for them, I was scared. Would I walk into the room and start crying? Would I have to fake a smile while being in pain watching them? I thought for sure it would be tough. But the moment that I walked into that room, all of that disappeared. I forgot completely about myself and all that I've gone through. I was completely happy and thrilled to see that little girl. I couldn't stop smiling and looking at her. Yes, a room full of 4 grandparents and 2 parents, and the aunt ends up holding her for the majority of the time. I can't help myself.

As I've said before, I am happiest when surrounded my kids and babies and that had never been more true. If I could stay home every day and babysit my niece, I would do it in a heartbeat. A beautiful little addition to our family. I can't wait to watch her grow up.

In other news, AF has arrived haha. At least now I know. For sure. This was not our month just yet. However, I went to log this into my app that I've been using to track everything, and it auto generates what your due date would be. Sure enough I saw the date if this cycle somehow works out. October 15, 2014. Exactly one year from what would have been my first due date. Is that not the most bizarre thing? I mean, 365 days in a year... since last year I have had 4 pregnancies, 4 miscarriages and so many weeks of pregnancy and waiting for my body to recalibrate back to cycles. How on earth did I still end up with the exact same possible date a year later? After all of that?

Well, here is to hoping. It would be kind of neat to meet the anniversary of my first due date with my own little baby in my arms. But for now, I'm perfectly happy borrowing this little one whenever I need my baby fix. :)

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