I have a tendency to look for "signs"... even thought I darn well know that is NOT how things work. I know that every coincidence does not equal a sign from God. I know that I am stretching reality to fit the story that I am hoping for... but today, it gives me hope.
I spent pretty much all day with my sweet 5 day old niece in my arms. This little baby. She makes me so happy. She is so new but so incredibly loved by so many people. I hope to give her and my other niece (6 years old) a little cousin some day. Leaving my parents house today, I was happy.
You know it seems awfully backwards that spending time holding a baby could make me so happy, but it does. Shouldn't it hurt? Shouldn't it break my heart? I would think that is how it would feel. But it doesn't. Thank you Lord it doesn't. I know that is all God right there. He has given me peace and happiness. I am able to thoroughly enjoy the babies in my life. I hope that one day I will be blessed with bringing my baby into this world to be so surrounded in love. I still have hope.
I have been browsing blogs this evening. You know, clicking links from comments on blogs that I read and then from there, clicking links to blogs that those ladies read. And I have come across some amazing women. How is it that when I was looking for blogs like this during my first few miscarriages, I couldn't find them, but now they are everywhere that I look? I guess I just wasn't ready. But now, it is wonderful. Not in the fact that there are so many other women going through such a devastating journey, but to know that I am not alone. There are other women out there who don't even know me who are supporting me and praying for me. This gives me hope.
Another thing that I've found in many of these blogs today... pregnancy updates! Recurrent pregnancy/infertility blogs with pregnancy updates. It is so incredibly amazing to read these updates. I know that for these women, it is not going to be easy. It is going to be a rough road, if all goes well, they will still always have the what ifs rolling around in the back of their minds. These pregnancies give me hope.
To all of you ladies who are still on this road with me, I hope that you have found your peace. It is not easy to endure all of this, but you are strong. Every person has their own special story, and I pray that your story is a happy one, even if it looks a bit gloomy lately.
And to you pregnant women out there, CONGRATULATIONS! You have accomplished what we all hope to some day accomplish. I hope and pray that things will continue to go well for you all. I'm sure you will have your fill of terrifying moments, but just enjoy these moments of happiness. You deserve them.
Anyway... after reading pregnancy posts one after the other, I did stop to wonder if this was a sign. All of these women who have similar stories... and now they are pregnant! Is this God's way of bringing another layer of peace to my heart, to tell me "this will be you".... If things work out this cycle, my due date would be the same as what was due date#1 (October 15th... talk about irony. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day). See... another sign! Truly, what better way to remember not only that first angel baby, but all 4 than to be due yet again on that day... Ha! If that's how things worked, I'd have a much different journey to tell you about. I know that I can't just turn everything into a sign and have things work out the way that I want them to, I know that isn't realistic. But for today, it brings me peace. Today, I have hope.