Sunday, January 12, 2014

Hope...

I have a tendency to look for "signs"... even thought I darn well know that is NOT how things work. I know that every coincidence does not equal a sign from God. I know that I am stretching reality to fit the story that I am hoping for... but today, it gives me hope.

I spent pretty much all day with my sweet 5 day old niece in my arms. This little baby. She makes me so happy. She is so new but so incredibly loved by so many people. I hope to give her and my other niece (6 years old) a little cousin some day. Leaving my parents house today, I was happy.

You know it seems awfully backwards that spending time holding a baby could make me so happy, but it does. Shouldn't it hurt? Shouldn't it break my heart? I would think that is how it would feel. But it doesn't. Thank you Lord it doesn't. I know that is all God right there. He has given me peace and happiness. I am able to thoroughly enjoy the babies in my life. I hope that one day I will be blessed with bringing my baby into this world to be so surrounded in love. I still have hope.

I have been browsing blogs this evening. You know, clicking links from comments on blogs that I read and then from there, clicking links to blogs that those ladies read. And I have come across some amazing women. How is it that when I was looking for blogs like this during my first few miscarriages, I couldn't find them, but now they are everywhere that I look? I guess I just wasn't ready. But now, it is wonderful. Not in the fact that there are so many other women going through such a devastating journey, but to know that I am not alone. There are other women out there who don't even know me who are supporting me and praying for me. This gives me hope.

Another thing that I've found in many of these blogs today... pregnancy updates! Recurrent pregnancy/infertility blogs with pregnancy updates. It is so incredibly amazing to read these updates. I know that for these women, it is not going to be easy. It is going to be a rough road, if all goes well, they will still always have the what ifs rolling around in the back of their minds. These pregnancies give me hope.

To all of you ladies who are still on this road with me, I hope that you have found your peace. It is not easy to endure all of this, but you are strong. Every person has their own special story, and I pray that your story is a happy one, even if it looks a bit gloomy lately.

And to you pregnant women out there, CONGRATULATIONS! You have accomplished what we all hope to some day accomplish. I hope and pray that things will continue to go well for you all. I'm sure you will have your fill of terrifying moments, but just enjoy these moments of happiness. You deserve them.

Anyway... after reading pregnancy posts one after the other, I did stop to wonder if this was a sign. All of these women who have similar stories... and now they are pregnant! Is this God's way of bringing another layer of peace to my heart, to tell me "this will be you"....  If things work out this cycle, my due date would be the same as what was due date#1 (October 15th... talk about irony. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day). See... another sign! Truly, what better way to remember not only that first angel baby, but all 4 than to be due yet again on that day... Ha! If that's how things worked, I'd have a much different journey to tell you about. I know that I can't just turn everything into a sign and have things work out the way that I want them to, I know that isn't realistic. But for today, it brings me peace. Today, I have hope.
Hope

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

New baby and a new cycle

So let me take you through where I've been at lately. After my last miscarriage, my doctor changed up the plan. She doubled my dose of Femara CD 3-7 and then she wanted me to start on Progesterone starting 4 days after a positive ovulation test. Easy enough right?... WRONG. I took my Femara CD 3-7, easy. I then went to see my Dr CD13 to see how the additional Femara had impacted my follicles. If there were more than 2, it would be a no go for this month. Thankfully there was only one perfect follicle ready to go. She said that everything looked great and I should expect to see that positive ovulation test in the next couple of days by how things looked. So I started testing. Every day. Sometimes even twice a day because I've had it happen in the past where I got a negative first thing in the morning but I just thought it would be that day, and sure enough I'd get a positive in the evening.

I use those digital ovulation tests because I do NOT want to be trying to figure out how dark my line should be in order to consider it a positive ovulation test... Well, they recently updated the tests to give you a circle if it is negative, a blinking smiley face if it is a high fertility day (for a few days leading up to your positive) and then a solid smiley face for your positive. First day, empty circle, negative. Second day, blinking smiley face!... and the 3rd, and the 4th, and the 5th... I got 2 WEEKS of those darn blinking smiley faces. I tell ya, by day 7 I wanted to hit whoever came up with the blinking smiley face test. By day 14, the blinking smiley face made me laugh. It was absolutely ridiculous. This made no sense. I was due to start AF in less than a week now. I called my doctor because I just wasn't sure if this was right. Does this mean I didn't ovulate this month? I've never had that happen that I know of. Does this mean that I missed it somehow? Does this mean that my body is just readjusting so somehow it is taking a reallllly long time to get the positive ovulation test? What's going on? Well, I finally called my doctor last Thursday and told them what was going on. They want me to come in to get more blood drawn to check my progesterone levels.

So step one, Femara, DONE. Step 2 positive ovulation test, ??? ehhh... not so much. Well that's just stupid. BUT I had come to accept this awhile back and decided that there is the possibility that my body is just getting readjusted to the increased meds and might just need a little more time. I would rather have to wait a little longer for a HEALTHY baby than to go through another miscarriage. Well yesterday morning, out of sheer confusion I took a pregnancy test on the off chance maybe I'd missed that positive ovulation test and I was somehow pregnant. Well, that was a big fat negative. Not even the hint of a line there. Again, as I had expected through this cycle.

A few hours later I got some good news, my sister in law was having some contractions (she was due a few days ago). Not long after they were on the way to the hospital to have that baby!!! It was news that gave me sort of mixed emotions. I was truly happy for them and so excited to have a new niece, but at the same time this was the moment I've been waiting more than 7 months for. The day I knew was coming. The day that I would have to stop and think "I should've had a 2 week old at this point". And yes, that thought did cross my mind. How could it not?

Less than 5 hours after they arrived at the hospital, my niece was born. While I was incredibly excited and so happy for them, I was scared. Would I walk into the room and start crying? Would I have to fake a smile while being in pain watching them? I thought for sure it would be tough. But the moment that I walked into that room, all of that disappeared. I forgot completely about myself and all that I've gone through. I was completely happy and thrilled to see that little girl. I couldn't stop smiling and looking at her. Yes, a room full of 4 grandparents and 2 parents, and the aunt ends up holding her for the majority of the time. I can't help myself.

As I've said before, I am happiest when surrounded my kids and babies and that had never been more true. If I could stay home every day and babysit my niece, I would do it in a heartbeat. A beautiful little addition to our family. I can't wait to watch her grow up.

In other news, AF has arrived haha. At least now I know. For sure. This was not our month just yet. However, I went to log this into my app that I've been using to track everything, and it auto generates what your due date would be. Sure enough I saw the date if this cycle somehow works out. October 15, 2014. Exactly one year from what would have been my first due date. Is that not the most bizarre thing? I mean, 365 days in a year... since last year I have had 4 pregnancies, 4 miscarriages and so many weeks of pregnancy and waiting for my body to recalibrate back to cycles. How on earth did I still end up with the exact same possible date a year later? After all of that?

Well, here is to hoping. It would be kind of neat to meet the anniversary of my first due date with my own little baby in my arms. But for now, I'm perfectly happy borrowing this little one whenever I need my baby fix. :)




Thursday, January 2, 2014

2014

It is 2014... Wow. It just seems so strange. On one hand it sucks to have time go so quickly but at the same time, 2013 was a very trying year. It was a year of 4 pregnancies, 4 miscarriages, numerous trips to the doctor, and countless ultrasounds and blood tests.

It is interesting to think back on where I was at this time last year. We had recently purchased and moved into our first home and we had finally decided that we would start having kids. Now here I am a year later... With no baby in my arms. I miss how naive I was just a year ago... How I thought that because we had decided we would have kids, that it would be that simple. We would just have kids.

But with this new year comes new possibilities. This could be the year that we finally get to hold our baby in our arms and bring our baby home.

I'm not one to make new years resolutions but there are a few things that I have hope for in 2014...
  • Draw even closer to God - this whole ttc journey has already done quite a bit in that area but I know that there is more than I can do to strengthen that relationship.
  • More time spent with family - this includes more date nights with the husband and just more time in general focused spending quality time with family and friends
  • Get in shape! I've already lost about 25lbs since miscarriage #3 but I know there is still more that I can do to get in the better shape
  • And finally... my most obvious hope for this year is a child. I know that it may or may not be in God's plans for our family and even if it is, it might not be this year. But I have hope.

*Side note, how darn cute is this? lol I love my head to toe tie dye outfit (one of many photos of me in this or a similar outfit as a kid). 

Brother and Me :)