Today is the day that would have been my 3rd due date.
I vividly remember this pregnancy, granted it was not very long ago. This baby stayed with me longer than the other 2 before. I remember the excitement and nervousness of that first ultrasound. I remember watching that screen as the doctor searched for the heartbeat. I just knew when I saw that screen that it was not good, everything was not okay. I didn't cry, I just waited. I remember telling the husband not to hug me or touch me because I just knew I'd lose it. I held it in. I held it together. I got dressed and we discussed everything with the doctor. There was a chance, that I wasn't as far along as I thought (I knew that wasn't true). There was a chance, things were just moving along slowly (I knew that wasn't true). But we sat. We listened. We discussed. I sat there, sort of numb as they drew blood. And we left. Once we were almost to the car, husband put his arm around me and I totally broke down. Bawling. I knew that I had to call my mom and tell her what had happened. She was waiting to hear how things went. It was one of those "What do you mean? How is that possible?" moments. I was still hopeful that maybe that small chance was my small chance. Somehow... This was supposed to be lucky #3, right? Third time's the charm?...
A few days later, after another blood draw, I sat at home and my mom came over. She said she just couldn't not be there. We tried to stay distracted but I was checking my phone every 30 seconds. I felt just sick to my stomach waiting for the phone call. Finally it rang. My heart sank. Especially when I heard the word "Unfortunately..." I knew it. My doctor was confirming my fears. I was miscarrying. Well, actually my body was totally unaware that I was supposed to be miscarrying. The baby was gone but my body was still progressing as if I was pregnant.
A missed miscarriage...
This one was a rough one. It took another few weeks for my body to get the memo and start the miscarriage process. That process is something that I will never forget. It was a very hard time in some aspects, but it was also a time where I was very at peace. I was very glad to get things moving along as it meant my body was healing and it also helped me start to heal emotionally when I no longer had to deal with the pregnancy symptoms, knowing full well that there was no longer a baby.
I had been praying every day, thanking the Lord for another day with my baby, but after that appointment, I had a new prayer. I prayed for peace. I prayed that God would help me to get through every day, every hour, every moment. To keep going. Keep living my life. And He answered. He gave me peace. He gave me calm.
Though I was hurting and confused, I was okay. It actually surprised me how at peace I was. I know that that was alllll Him. There is no way I would have been able to be that okay on my own.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to turn into a sad post or rehash what happened. It is just bizarre to think about where I was at then physically, emotionally, spiritually... and where I am now. I know that everything that I have been through is for a reason. I know that everything is happening according to God's plan for this family. I just have to be patient.
I still have hope.