Friday, November 15, 2013

Due date #2

The day is here. November 17th... the day that would have been my second due date. It is so bizarre to think about. I vividly remember that second miscarriage. I remember the emotional and physical pain... I remember that this was the one where I quickly jumped from sad to just angry.

After my first due date passed, I wondered if each subsequent due date would be easier, more difficult, the same? At this point it still just seems so surreal. 

Miscarriage is a strange thing. No matter how far along you are before you lost your baby, if you are like me, you already thought about whether it was a boy or a girl, would they have my eyes or my husband's sense of humor? I saw a picture in my head of life with this child. Our first Christmas, first birthday... Everything. 

But when you lose a child to miscarriage, often times no one is even aware other than a few close family and friends. There is no funeral. And you are told things like "at least you weren't that far along" or "you are still young, you can have another". But that's just it, you are still grieving that child. The child that you lost. Yes, I can try again. Yes, maybe I wasn't that far along. But I didn't just lose my baby, I lost a lifetime of memories watching this child grow up. 

Don't get me wrong, it is a huge comfort to know that my babies are in heaven, safe, happy and will never experience pain or sadness. That doesn't mean that I don't still miss them...

Thankfully, I had a good distraction from everything today. I flew to Seattle yesterday with 2 of my brother in laws, met up with the husband and we all went to the Seahawks game today. It was my first NFL game and we all had a total blast. 

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