Monday, November 25, 2013

Seattle happened again...

As I mentioned in my Due Date #2 post, we went to Seattle again. It was an absolute blast. I flew out last Saturday morning with two of my brother in laws. Landed in Portland for our layover... took a bumpy flight on in to Seattle. The 3 of us took the light rail to downtown and wandered the few blocks to our hotel. After checking in and get our stuff put in our room, we decided we needed to find FOOD. We walked around and checked out a few menus, finally decided to try the Taproom, which of course had a 45 minute wait. We decided we didn't want to wait. So we walked... and walked... and walked. It was actually a lot of fun and after much more than 45 minutes of walking, we walked into Hard Rock. We don't currently have one in Alaska and they were able to get us in right away.

It was 8:30 or so and we were hungry. I had myself a Watermelon Margarita... can we say YUM? :)

After dinner we were in search of ice cream... I'm not entirely sure why but we were having a heck of a time finding somewhere at 10pm that sold ice cream. We settled for some cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory (another restaurant we don't have in Alaska).  We took our cheesecake back to the hotel to watch a movie. The boys and I had an entertaining night. We stayed up waiting for the husband's flight to arrive (he had to work Saturday night so he didn't fly in until 1:30am). He shows up just after we'd all gone to sleep. He turns lights on and makes all sorts of noise so we all were wide awake yet again. We told him about our night and by the time we were finished talking, we were all a bit delirious. We stayed up until about 3:30 laughing and talking. Our alarms started going off at 7... that was not nearly enough sleep. After we all took showers and got ready to go for the day.

We were in Seattle for a purpose after all, the Seahawks game. We left our hotel before 9am (ya, the game wasn't until 1:30pm) and started the half hour walk to the stadium. We weren't the only ones decked out in our gear either! We wandered through all of the tailgating and went on into the stadium for all of the fun pre-game stuff that started at 10. We bought even MORE Seahawks stuff, we had to be fully prepared for the game of course.

We watched the teams warm up, we found our seats (2 hours before the game).
Awesome seats by the way... After the boys were done with their initial excitement, we were able to go look around the stadium some more. Bought more stuff at the pro shop. Eat food. Drink. Hang out in general. And then... it was game time...

The game was certainly A LOT of fun and can't wait to go to another one!
Hanging out  in our seats a good few hours before the game haha
After the game we walked back to our hotel to grab our bags, wandered through Nordstrom Rack really quickly so I could get THESE!!! :)
and these....
We crammed them in the husband's bag as we took the light rail back to the airport where we ran into my parents who were on their way home from Mexico. The husband's flight left 3 hours before mine. Again, the boys and I just hung out in the airport, talking about how tired and hungry we were. We had all had less than 4 hours of sleep since Saturday morning and it was definitely starting to kick in.

Another 4 hour layover in Fairbanks, Alaska. By this time it was 2am and we were exhausted. Finally, we landed back in Anchorage at 7:15am. Pretty much zombies. I'm not sure if it was the cold air (I think it was -10 when I got to my car) or the coffee but I felt wide awake! I decided I didn't need to get any sleep. So naturally, my mom came over to pick me up and we went shopping! :)

Anyway, that was my Seattle trip. I was hoping to get to see some family while we were there but it really was such a quick trip that we just didn't have time. I can't wait to plan my next trip back to Seattle! :)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Due date #2

The day is here. November 17th... the day that would have been my second due date. It is so bizarre to think about. I vividly remember that second miscarriage. I remember the emotional and physical pain... I remember that this was the one where I quickly jumped from sad to just angry.

After my first due date passed, I wondered if each subsequent due date would be easier, more difficult, the same? At this point it still just seems so surreal. 

Miscarriage is a strange thing. No matter how far along you are before you lost your baby, if you are like me, you already thought about whether it was a boy or a girl, would they have my eyes or my husband's sense of humor? I saw a picture in my head of life with this child. Our first Christmas, first birthday... Everything. 

But when you lose a child to miscarriage, often times no one is even aware other than a few close family and friends. There is no funeral. And you are told things like "at least you weren't that far along" or "you are still young, you can have another". But that's just it, you are still grieving that child. The child that you lost. Yes, I can try again. Yes, maybe I wasn't that far along. But I didn't just lose my baby, I lost a lifetime of memories watching this child grow up. 

Don't get me wrong, it is a huge comfort to know that my babies are in heaven, safe, happy and will never experience pain or sadness. That doesn't mean that I don't still miss them...

Thankfully, I had a good distraction from everything today. I flew to Seattle yesterday with 2 of my brother in laws, met up with the husband and we all went to the Seahawks game today. It was my first NFL game and we all had a total blast. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Another month to get in shape...

That is what I am looking at this coming month as... an opportunity. Yes, we are disappointed that things did not work out for this month. But let's face it, thus far we have been 3 for 3 on trying to get pregnant and getting pregnant. Now we are 3 for 4 (I don't really count last month due to being incredibly sick). The statistics could definitely be much less in our favor. So, I'll take it.

I had a rough day yesterday... I haven't had a day like that in awhile. It was definitely a good day for a pity party. I am officially down over 20lbs since July and I'm going to try to use this month as an opportunity to get that weight down even more. It's so frustrating trying to look at the upside of this but I know that I have to. I can't dwell on my sadness and disappointment. I can't allow my happiness to be dependent upon my circumstances. I have to choose happiness.

I spent most of yesterday lying on the couch, sometimes randomly breaking down in tears. Today is a different day. Today I will get myself up, make myself work out, get out of the house, and get things done. Today is the first day of another month to get my body in the best baby growing shape ever :)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Rough day

Today has been a bit of a rough day for me... I'm not quite sure why exactly.

For starters, I tested this morning... negative. So of course that's disappointing. Less than 2 minutes later my phone buzzes. It was a text from Target about some sale on baby stuff. Figures.

I check my emails... some of the sample sale websites that I get daily emails from... some of their feature sales were on maternity clothes. Awesome.

I decided to be a bit of a bum for a few hours but finally decided it was time to get up and get ready for the day like a normal human. As I'm getting ready, it starts snowing :(  Granted, it IS November and we have been incredibly lucky not to have snow stick yet this year but it still gave me a bit of a "NO NO NO NO NO... NO" tantrum moment.

Finally, I left the house headed for town to look at baby shower invites. On my way, traffic sucks. It is as if all Alaskans forgot how to drive in the snow. To make it worse, the roads were getting icy. I watched a few people slide off the roads (hint #1 that I should've stayed home). It took over 30 min to make a 10 min drive. Just as I hit downtown, I get a text, another friend is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I am really excited for them. I know they must be so incredibly happy, as they should be. But after a morning of "hey, remember how you aren't pregnant?" moments... it kind of stung. I don't know why it stung. I knew they were trying and I have fully expected to hear this news from them anytime now, but still... then I was just annoyed that my first reaction wasn't "yay! that's awesome" instead of the gut punch it felt like.

I decided, maybe I just need to head home and have my pity party there... though I'd accomplished absolutely nothing, I turned around and headed back. On my way home I decided that since I'd run out of tests, I should probably just pick some more up (just in case since I haven't started yet either). OF COURSE they put the pregnancy tests in the same section as the condoms and other related items. So while I'm attempting to find the stupid tests with the happy faces vs empty circle (I guess that's because a sad face would piss people off more?)... You get the usual weirdo guy staring you down from a few feet away because if you are standing there... you MUST be looking at condoms and if you are looking at condoms, you probably don't already have someone to have sex with and truly are hoping that some creeper will notice what you are standing in front of and offer to give them a test drive with you. Creeeeeperrrrr. Sadly, this is not the first time that this has happened while I was buying pregnancy tests haha. I find that incredibly weird.

I've broken down in tears a few times today. And I hate crying.... A LOT. Hopefully in the next few days I will know whether or not all of this crying is PMS or pregnancy hormones. PLEASE be pregnancy hormones...

Just one of those days...

Today seems to be just one of those days... I woke up way too early, but couldn't seem to sleep any longer. This means I'm also up before the heat in the house is set to go up to a liveable level. That combined with how cold it is outside... makes for a house that is 60 degrees. Keep in mind that I'm the weirdo who would be happy with the house being 80 degrees. Needless to say, I'm FREEZING.

To make it more fun, I don't know if I can have coffee yet or not. Granted, I know that if I am pregnant, technically I can have caffeine, but I just can't. I can't risk it. So until I know, I am caffeine free. Decaf just isn't the same.

Today is just one of those days that I don't feel right. It's ugly and cold outside. I'm tired. I'm in pregnancy limbo (pregnant, not pregnant... I certainly don't know). I just feel... blah. I have no motivation to get ready for the day or get anything done. What a waste of a Saturday.

Maybe later I'll finally jump in the shower, make myself presentable and take on the day. But for now, I think I'll stay here, curled up on the couch... throwing myself a bit of a pity party.

Sunday, November 3, 2013


I've always been someone who loves kids. Not just kids of family members, not just the kids of my friends... kids in general. I've worked numerous jobs where I am surrounded by dozens of kids and that is where I am happiest. Not only do I love kids, but I love babies. I swear, I am such a happy camper when I get to meet up with friends and they let me steal their baby if only for a few minutes... or hours. Me and kids, we are just on the same wavelength. I get kids and kids get me. We have a kinship. Throw me in a room with a bunch of them and I am at home.

All of that said, I just can't wait to have kids of my own. At this point I don't know when or how that will happen for us... I don't know if I will eventually be able to carry a pregnancy to term, if we will use a surrogate, if we will go the adoption route. I just don't know. But I truly can't wait. I love when I get to talk to my friends about their kids or their pregnancies. I am so happy for them all and it's also nice to get the inside scoop, ya know? Get all of their tips and tricks compiled for my future use.

It's so bizarre to think about what life could be like with kids. Obviously, that is something that I've wanted FOREVER, but how would that actually change my daily life? Other than in every possible way, right? haha.

Oh! I bought myself a photo scanner today and I found a few pictures of me attempting to mother either my baby cousin or a baby doll lol. Too funny...

Me and my life size Barbie... we liked to switch clothes lol

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Oh ya, Halloween happened

This year I actually had 2 Halloween costumes. I was Minnie Mouse at work and then at the last minute I threw together a costume as a Jersey girl (Jersey Shore-ish) for a Halloween party. I attempted to tease my hair, threw on some orange makeup and a tight dress and voila... costume haha. Here are a few lovely pics for your entertainment.

So a few months back, the husband and I watched a few episodes of that show, Men at Work. There is a scene where they use the word "whorange"... yes, "whore" and "orange" put together as one lovely and quite descriptive word haha. As I was doing my makeup last night, I turned to the husband and said "how do I look?" Naturally he responded with, "You're WHORANGE!" haha. So that was also how I continued to describe the look all night.

Minnie Mouse - Halloween 2013

The spare room... aka the potential nursery

So over the past 10 months, the husband and I have discussed the plans for our spare room and how we would need to clear it out to prepare it as a nursery. With each pregnancy I thought, well... time to clean that room out. But not once did I remove a single item from that room. I really wonder why that is.

The spare room up until this point has been sort of my "closet room". My vanity is in there along with extra clothes in the closet, extra bedding and of course all of the baby related items that I have accumulated. For starters, I have had a box for years now full of stuff from when I was a baby. Things that I'd hoped to keep for my children. Over the last 5 or so years I've added the odd $2.00 onesie that I thought was just too cute not to buy. In the past 10 months, my "collection" has come to include pregnancy books, baby name books, a diaper bag, maternity clothes, etc. Up until this point the items have sort of been spread around the room.

A few weeks ago I decided I would organize my closet room. I went through some boxes that I hadn't opened since we moved in last December. I also decided to pack up all of my baby stuff into some plastic tubs to keep it dust free, out of the way, and just sort of to give myself a mental break. I then had two tubs of stuff sitting in the corner of the room. Every once in awhile they would catch my eye and I'd pause for a moment and mentally go over everything that was sitting in the corner of that room.

Finally, this week I began to move things out of the spare room. I no longer have a closet room and I'm really happy about it. All that is left in the room right now is a pile of clothes that need to be put away and some clothes hanging up in the closet since we don't have anywhere else to put them (prom dresses, wedding dress, and other random items). It was weird to see that room empty. When we bought the house, we were so focused on moving in and getting set up since it was so close to Christmas, and though I knew that we'd intended for that room to one day become the nursery, I never once thought about what that room would look like. We discussed the layout of literally EVERY single space in the house, except that one. For me, the over planner, that is weird.

I now walk into that room and I can see what it would look like as a nursery. I know where the crib would go, the changing table, the glider, etc. I can see it all. For the first time in a long time, I felt that heart tug again. That moment of tears welling up before I can stop it. In the past 10 months, we've discussed clearing that room out and then filling it with baby furniture one day. I'd always thought that the day that the room was empty, would be the day it would begin to be filled with baby things or painted with the intention of setting up the baby's room.

Tomorrow I will finish clearing out the room entirely and then I will close that door. I will no longer have any reason to enter that room. There will be a part of this house that will hold no use for the time being. I hope that some day soon, we will have reason to enter that room again and fill it with things that will make up a beautiful nursery.

I still have hope.

Baby me :)