I don't quite know how to handle a day like today. Is it better to go about my day as if it were any other day? Should I cry because today is the day that would have been the due date of our first child? Or do I rejoice for I was able to even conceive, even though it was a short lived pregnancy?
What do I do?
Today, I am in a much better place physically, emotionally, and spiritually than I was just months ago, but it has definitely been a process. It is bizarre to think back to that morning that I confirmed with a positive test, that I was pregnant. After jumping up and down with excitement at the sight of that one, amazing word... "PREGNANT"... I woke up my husband to share the news. Instantly, I looked up what my due date would be, and there it was... October 15, 2013.
I believe that today will be a bit of a roller coaster for me. I'm so happy that we are working toward starting a family. I'm so happy that I am ABLE to get pregnant. I am thankful for every day that I was blessed to carry our baby.
This past weekend, I ran into an old friend. Someone that I have known for most of my life, but someone whom I had not yet shared my story of trying to conceive... or I guess it would be my story of trying to sustain a pregnancy. There we stood in Nordstrom (great place to tell someone something heavy like this right?), both with tears in our eyes as we talked through the not-so-simple response to "So, when will you start having babies?"
I always feel sort of bad when I unleash my story on an unsuspecting victim. I don't do so to make anyone uncomfortable but I hate that miscarriage is something that is kept so quiet. It is reality. It is common. And as I learned to heal from this experience, talking it out has been a huge help for me. I am so glad that we ran into each other though. She was so supportive, as she always has been for me, but even more than that, she recommended a book to me called "Heaven Is for Real".
When I got home that night, I went to buy it on my kindle. Funny thing though, Amazon told me that I had already purchased it. Which I certainly had not. I'd never read the book, never saw the book, and had never even heard of the book. Here I go again looking for signs, huh? Well, I took it as a sign of "YES, YOU NEED TO READ THIS". So I did. I stayed up the next few hours reading this amazing book.
I'm sure some people who read it will think it is a bunch of fairy tales... and that's okay. That's your opinion, but for me... It was the story that I always knew to be true, but didn't quite know how to articulate. I got the chills as I read through this incredible story. I cried a lot. But then again, I do that more and more these days. I guess I'm getting more in touch with my emotions. Oh joy! haha.
I read that book right through that night and it really made me think. If you'd have asked me even a few years ago, what I believed happened to babies who are lost before or after they are born, I wouldn't have even skipped a beat before I answered, "They go to heaven." After reading this book, I thought more about what that MEANT. Not to me, but for my babies. When we lose someone, but especially a child, we always think about what WE missed out on. I will never get to see my newborn baby. I will never get to hear that baby's first word or watch their first step. I will never take this baby to school or watch them get married. I, I, I... but what about that baby? I take comfort in knowing that not only this child, but all three of my unborn babies, are in heaven. They will never experience pain or sadness. They will only ever know joy.
While my heart still aches for what would have been, it helps ease that pain... if only just a little... to know that they are happy and healthy and together in heaven.
Today is a bittersweet day for me. I am so thankful for that happiness this child brought me months ago and for the happiness for the day when I will finally get to meet my baby, but I mourn the loss of this child here on earth. Today is the first of three days of "what would have been my due date" that I will experience in the coming months. I can only hope and pray that I will take each one with a bit more joy and a bit less sadness.
Any time that you can take today to just say a little prayer for me and for other women out there like me, would be greatly appreciated. Prayer is a very powerful thing.