Monday, October 28, 2013

Lunch with a friend

This weekend I had the opportunity to have lunch with an old friend. We haven't been in touch for quite some time but it was amazing to be able to catch up. She and I have very similar stories when it comes to miscarriages and I loved that though her story started out very much like mine... she is currently pregnant. I am so incredibly excited for her and her family. Obviously everyone's story is different and even though our stories are similar, her experience is unique.

I see her with that baby bump and it just reminds me yet again that it is possible for me. Hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) I will have that sort of happy news that will add just another layer of peace and comfort with everything that has happened.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Fall... well fall"ish"

I would say this is fall, but really it is more fallish. I do live in Alaska after all. It snowed a few weeks ago but thankfully it was gone shortly after and hasn't returned YET. However, the weather report does call for snow in the next few days :( ugh.

Anyway, I'm happy to say I finally found all of the pieces for my Minnie Mouse costume for Halloween. I was pretty excited about that actually. I rarely actually dress up for Halloween and when I do, it's more of a "oh crap, I need something for tomorrow" kind of thing.

Also, finally got my lazy butt back to working out. I'm sure I will be quite sore in the morning, but that's okay. Down 19lbs and I'd like to lose another 5 to 10 more. :) Hopefully as soon as possible to get all healthy for a soon to be healthy pregnancy (I hope).

Not sure what it is about the cooler weather but I get the sudden urge to bake and organize. I spent a few hours this weekend getting my kitchen in better order. Funny since some of the stuff I organized has been driving me crazy since we moved in in December and that stuff only took me about 10 minutes to get done! That's what I get for procrastinating I guess. Now while I work on this post, I'm waiting for the banana bread I have baking in the oven. YUM! Not sure about you but I like just about all baked goods. Probably because I should have fewer of them...

I've been compiling a list of things on Pinterest that I want to make next. I've found sooo many good recipes there so far and can't wait to try out a few new ones in the coming weeks. If you haven't yet, you must try making these Apple Pie Cookies from Smitten Kitchen found here http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2011/10/apple-pie-cookies/. I've made them a few times and always get rave reviews, that is when they actually make it out of my house haha.

And as for any baby news, right now there is still no news. I don't expect to have any news for a few weeks more anyway. Oh the fun of waiting...

BUT I am in the process of finding some cool ideas for my sister-in-law's baby shower :) so excited!!!

Oh, and the good part about winter coming... excuses to dress Gidget up in her antlers hehehe.


Gidget and the moose - Winter 2012





Friday, October 18, 2013

FRIDAY!!!

Yay! How I love Fridays... :) Granted, Friday is usually quite a busy day at work for me, but that is always worth the days off that follow.

A few things about this week...

*Seahawks won! Oh, have explained yet that the Seahawks are practically a religion in my family? Thankfully, my husband's family feels the same way. Not sure things would have worked otherwise... haha

*Finally got the tickets for the Seahawks game against Minnesota in November. I'm so excited! I've never been to an NFL game before. I'm already trying to convince the husband that I will need a new head to toe outfit for the game. I mean really...

*Passed my first would have been due date... and survived. I got a bit teary eyed at times but overall it was a really good day for me. Husband brought me some beautiful flowers. I used that day's blog post as the opportunity to open up and finally linked to my blog from my personal facebook page. I received so much love and support, it was truly amazing. I can't even explain how it felt to receive all of those messages from so many people. My boss even gave me some pretty flowers... it was so sweet. Overall, a much better day than I ever could have anticipated.

*Going to lunch today with a friend of mine. We keep in touch pretty much daily but we haven't had a chance to sit down just the two of us in a few months. So excited!

*I decided on my Halloween costume for this year. We dress up for Halloween at work and this year I will be Minnie Mouse. Last year we had the theme of superheros... so naturally I made up my own superhero.... Super Shelby! haha so this year I decided to go the Disney route. So far, I have shoes. Yes, that is all. BUT they were only $9 at Kohl's. SCORE! Thankfully, I do have a red dress that might work, but that still leaves the ears, the socks, and the gloves. It is my goal to attain the rest of the costume this weekend. We shall see if I have any luck in that department.

*I decided that I need to start working out again. I've been soooo lazy the last few weeks. ZERO working out. I'm down a solid 18lbs already and I want to kick that back into high gear and lose a few more. Again, I want to be in the best possible shape so that I can have a healthier pregnancy when that time comes. Totally planned to get up early today to work out... The alarm went off, I promptly re-set it to go off later lol. This isn't working out quite like I'd intended.

*Last but not least, how cute is Gidget in her little sombrero? haha. My sister in law bought it for her and I think it's so darn cute. Perfect Cinco de Mayo outfit already!


I swear she doesn't normally look quite that pathetic. She kind of HATES hats... and getting her picture taken haha.


Puppy Gidget

Even Gidget has a Seahawks jersey! :)
Again with the pouting at the thought of a picture AND being dressed in a silly outfit haha


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Thank you

I honestly don't even know what to say other than THANK YOU. I debated as to whether or not I should post about my would have been due date today. I know that sometimes people say "You can't think about that" but how could I not? It was the first time in my life that I had some sort of timeline as to when I could expect to hold my first child. That is a dream of mine... something that I have always wanted. How could I let this day pass without saying something?

I not only posted about my thoughts on today and what it meant to me, but for the first time I also posted a link to this blog from my personal facebook page. That was something that I was sort of nervous about. Yes, I have listed my name and where I'm from, but unless I told you about this blog, no one that truly KNEW me, had any idea that it existed. What would people think? Would I make them uncomfortable? I decided that while yes, I may make some people uncomfortable and that is okay because all that I wanted was to reach even one person who needed to hear what I had to say... who needed to know that they aren't alone in their own struggles and something tells me that I did that.

Now I don't understand why I was even slightly nervous to post a link on my facebook page because I can't even tell you the number of texts, facebook messages, comments, etc that I have received in just the few hours since I posted the link. People who I have never met (friends of the husband), people I never knew very well, people from my past, people from the present... they reached out to me with love and support, more than I could ever have even hoped for.

It truly has meant the world to me to get the words of encouragement and the "we are praying for you" messages. I believe that prayer is a powerful thing and to know that there are people out there taking the time to pray for me... it kind of melts your heart quite honestly. I had expected today to be a bit of a heartbreaking day for me, but it has turned into quite the opposite. In my time of need, I'm being surrounded with love.

I just can't say it enough... THANK YOU to all of you who took the time to read any of what I had to say, all of you who said a prayer for me, all of you who reached out. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

October 15, 2013... the day that would have been my due date...

I don't quite know how to handle a day like today. Is it better to go about my day as if it were any other day? Should I cry because today is the day that would have been the due date of our first child? Or do I rejoice for I was able to even conceive, even though it was a short lived pregnancy?

What do I do?

Today, I am in a much better place physically, emotionally, and spiritually than I was just months ago, but it has definitely been a process. It is bizarre to think back to that morning that I confirmed with a positive test, that I was pregnant. After jumping up and down with excitement at the sight of that one, amazing word... "PREGNANT"... I woke up my husband to share the news. Instantly, I looked up what my due date would be, and there it was... October 15, 2013.

I believe that today will be a bit of a roller coaster for me. I'm so happy that we are working toward starting a family. I'm so happy that I am ABLE to get pregnant. I am thankful for every day that I was blessed to carry our baby.

This past weekend, I ran into an old friend. Someone that I have known for most of my life, but someone whom I had not yet shared my story of trying to conceive... or I guess it would be my story of trying to sustain a pregnancy. There we stood in Nordstrom (great place to tell someone something heavy like this right?), both with tears in our eyes as we talked through the not-so-simple response to "So, when will you start having babies?"

I always feel sort of bad when I unleash my story on an unsuspecting victim. I don't do so to make anyone uncomfortable but I hate that miscarriage is something that is kept so quiet. It is reality. It is common. And as I learned to heal from this experience, talking it out has been a huge help for me. I am so glad that we ran into each other though. She was so supportive, as she always has been for me, but even more than that, she recommended a book to me called "Heaven Is for Real".

When I got home that night, I went to buy it on my kindle. Funny thing though, Amazon told me that I had already purchased it. Which I certainly had not. I'd never read the book, never saw the book, and had never even heard of the book. Here I go again looking for signs, huh? Well, I took it as a sign of "YES, YOU NEED TO READ THIS". So I did. I stayed up the next few hours reading this amazing book.

I'm sure some people who read it will think it is a bunch of fairy tales... and that's okay. That's your opinion, but for me... It was the story that I always knew to be true, but didn't quite know how to articulate. I got the chills as I read through this incredible story. I cried a lot. But then again, I do that more and more these days. I guess I'm getting more in touch with my emotions. Oh joy! haha.

I read that book right through that night and it really made me think. If you'd have asked me even a few years ago, what I believed happened to babies who are lost before or after they are born, I wouldn't have even skipped a beat before I answered, "They go to heaven." After reading this book, I thought more about what that MEANT. Not to me, but for my babies. When we lose someone, but especially a child, we always think about what WE missed out on. I will never get to see my newborn baby. I will never get to hear that baby's first word or watch their first step. I will never take this baby to school or watch them get married. I, I, I... but what about that baby? I take comfort in knowing that not only this child,  but all three of my unborn babies, are in heaven. They will never experience pain or sadness. They will only ever know joy.

While my heart still aches for what would have been, it helps ease that pain... if only just a little... to know that they are happy and healthy and together in heaven.

Today is a bittersweet day for me. I am so thankful for that happiness this child brought me months ago and for the happiness for the day when I will finally get to meet my baby, but I mourn the loss of this child here on earth. Today is the first of three days of "what would have been my due date" that I will experience in the coming months. I can only hope and pray that I will take each one with a bit more joy and a bit less sadness.

Any time that you can take today to just say a little prayer for me and for other women out there like me, would be greatly appreciated. Prayer is a very powerful thing.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

This month... was not my month

I had hoped for the best but as it turns out... this month, was not my month.

I'm okay with it though. I'm not sure how, but I am. I did sort of a have a little pity party for myself the other day and maybe I got it all out of my system then. There will be no June baby for our family this next year... but we can still pray for a July baby! :)

I've been going slightly crazy waiting to find out. It was just that not knowing that was getting to me. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate not knowing things? Not to mention my body was doing really good job of throwing me off. Some of my usual pregnancy symptoms were making temporary appearances this past week or so.

I'm pleasantly surprised that I haven't yet had the urge to throw a tantrum or cry my eyes out. Instead, I will use this next month to get a few things taken care of. I've already lost about 18lbs since July. I ate my feelings for a month or so after my ultrasound appointment where we learned there was no heartbeat, so I had to lose that weight I'd gained. Thankfully I lost those pounds quickly and even lost some extra "I now work in an office and am not on my feet all day" pounds. This extra month gives me more time to get into the best shape that I can before pregnancy. The healthier that I can get before pregnancy, the easier it will be to maintain a healthy pregnancy.

So while this month did not turn out the way that I'd hoped, all is okay. Now, to get ready for next month! :)

Little me on the swings...

Saturday, October 5, 2013

The waiting game...

So as I've posted in the past, all testing has come back "normal". So this was the first month we'd gotten the all clear from the doctor since my last miscarriage back in May/June (it was a lengthy process). Now... we wait...

OF COURSE I got an awful cold this month so I don't think that the likelihood is very good for this month. Husband thinks I must be considering every time we've tried so far, I've turned out pregnant. I'm not sure if it's that I truly don't think I'm pregnant or if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not as to not be disappointed when another month goes by with no baby in sight.

One good thing that has come from everything that has happened this year with trying to start a family, my patience level has REALLY increased. I don't feel quite like the crazy person I'd been previously. Yes, when someone asks me about how things are going, I start to really question every little twinge or possible symptom, but I haven't allowed it to consume my every thought of every day. I must remind myself that my ultimate happiness is not dependent upon a pregnancy.

They always say that "every pregnancy is different" and while a lot about each of my 3 pregnancies so far have been fairly different as far as symptoms go, there was always one consistent symptom, sore boobs haha. I've never been one to get that before that time of the month so that first month I just KNEW. Days before I could test to prove it, I knew. So now no matter what symptoms I think I may or may not have, until I have that one, I will continue to think that this month was not our month.

As I type this I notice that there is a slight soreness starting. I wonder if that means something or if that's what I get for checking 100 times today to see if they are sore? Regardless, I am so thankful for where I am at right now. This has been a tough year but I know that this has all happened for a reason. A reason which I may never know or understand. I can only continue to take comfort in the fact that I know God has a plan. I hope and pray that that plan includes children, but only time will tell.

So for now, I wait. The darn waiting game I've already played 3 times, but I guess pregnancy is full of waiting. I might as well get used to it now.