|Pic from Mexico 2011|
I know I'm not the only one who gets that feeling of surrounded. Obviously, at this point in my life I have a lot of friends who have children or are pregnant, but sometimes I do feel as if they are surrounding me.
A little less than a year ago, I sat at a men's basketball game with a friend of mine watching my husband and her now fiance. I remember we were talking about kids and when we started to look around, we were surrounded. Every woman there had a kid, toddler, baby, baby on the way, or a combination of them all. The husband and I hadn't yet decided to start a family, but we'd finally reached that point in our lives where everyone around us had kids or were having kids. It wasn't until we decided to start our own family that the feeling of being surrounded began to truly sink in.
At first I would look around and as I saw a family going for a walk, I'd imagine us doing the same thing in a few years. As I saw a pregnant woman feel her belly as the baby began to kick, I'd imagine that would be me in a few months time. After the first miscarriage, that feeling of being surrounded began to make my heart twinge, just a bit. At what I almost had. At what I lost. At what I longed for.
After the second, it made me furious. I'd think to myself, "Oh ya, very funny God. Surround me with what I can't have. Thanks a lot." I began to feel suffocated by the surrounding. It was almost like a game of "Where's Waldo?" except it didn't take much effort to find. Waldo was everywhere!!!!Waldo was walking through my neighborhood, in the produce section at the store, sitting next to me at parties and did I mention the number of baby and pregnant pictures all over facebook?!
Thankfully after the third miscarriage, God had spent some time working on my heart. I no longer felt the anger at the announcement of another pregnancy or the woman pushing the stroller through the store. I had a sense of calm and peace. My heart still skips a beat every once in awhile when I'd feel that maternal tug on my heart. But it no longer hurt. I was finally able to be happy for friends and family with their announcements of good news. It no longer inflicted pain to hold a friend's baby or see their latest family photos.
It is amazing how much happier I now allow myself to be. It was hard to have those feelings of anger and resentment in my daily life. Finally, I am able to laugh at the situation when I feel surrounded by toddlers and babies and preggos. I can only hope that one day I will no longer be surrounded but will actually be able to join in on all of the baby fun. :)