Saturday, September 28, 2013

Random thoughts...

So I've typed out a post for today over and over. The topics have been alllll over the place. So finally I've decided to just post my random thoughts all in one random post. :)

*Here in Alaska, it is winter. It is September and we already have had snow. Thankfully we got rain a few days later and that got rid of what was on the ground, but still. I have accepted that summer is no longer and we are moving on to winter. I decided it was time to pack away the summer clothes for the next 7 months. I always try to pack away my summer clothes in the winter and vice versa. It serves a few purposes. Not only does it make picking out what to wear a bit easier, it also looks like you have fewer clothes, which means you can BUY more haha. :)

*Husband's birthday was this past Monday! We had dinner reservations and all. I woke up Monday morning with full blown cold symptoms. I was MISERABLE. He insisted that we cancel the reservations and he'd just grill himself a steak and watch football. So while he grilled, I laid on the couch in my pjs. It was pathetic.

*My cold. Everyone at work has been passing this cold around for weeks. It seems like the last few people are at the end of it and I thought I'd been lucky enough to make it through and then BAM! I felt like death warmed over on Monday. I somehow made it through the work day to come home and lay on the couch. I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday. I thought I was doing a lot better and felt bad taking any more time off of work so I forced myself to go to work on Thursday. I was a bit of a zombie. Friday I was feeling a lot better, not great but better, but by the end of work I had practically no voice left. By the time husband got home from work, I had NO voice. At all. He just kept laughing at my attempts to talk all night and kept saying "What? I cant hear you." Today, I still got nothing. I let the dog outside this morning and she was just hanging out out there. I wanted to get her inside and close the door so naturally I yelled for her. All I got out was a squeak, which she either didn't hear or chose to ignore. Either way... no voice is really frustrating!

*Latest Dr appt. I went in for another appointment this last week. Yet again, all is good. She actually told me "It looks like there should be a baby in there." lol. Well, that is the goal. She said my body has responded as she'd hoped to the Femara and hopefully I will have good news in a few months. We shall see!

*Favorites things lately. Have you discovered Zulilly yet? If not, you should. It is amazing! They have great deals on new stuff every day. They obviously cater to deals for babies and kids, but they have home decor, furniture, clothes, shoes, etc. For the shopping obsessed like me, it is perfect. Also, MasterChef Junior. If you haven't seen it yet, check out OnDemand and watch it. These kids are 8-13 years old and they are freaking awesome. It is ridiculous how good these kids are. It makes me feel a lot less awesome in my own cooking and baking skills. I just don't get how a 12 year old knows how to do all of that stuff and put those ingredients together. I don't understand how you end up with a 12 year old kid who is practically a chef haha.

*And finally, the fact that it is nearly October and Halloween decorations are now everywhere, I got to thinking about past costumes I have worn. As a kid, every day was dress up day so not all of these are from Halloween, I just thought that these pics were pretty darn funny. First, the obligatory ALASKA HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Yes, your costume MUST be worn over a snowsuit. Every kid's nightmare! I cried, every year. I'm not even sure what I WAS that year? Princess Fairy perhaps? haha.


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Toddlers and babies and preggos. Oh my!

Pic from Mexico 2011

I know I'm not the only one who gets that feeling of surrounded. Obviously, at this point in my life I  have a lot of friends who have children or are pregnant, but sometimes I do feel as if they are surrounding me.

A little less than a year ago, I sat at a men's basketball game with a friend of mine watching my husband and her now fiance. I remember we were talking about kids and when we started to look around, we were surrounded. Every woman there had a kid, toddler, baby, baby on the way, or a combination of them all. The husband and I hadn't yet decided to start a family, but we'd finally reached that point in our lives where everyone around us had kids or were having kids. It wasn't until we decided to start our own family that the feeling of being surrounded began to truly sink in.

At first I would look around and as I saw a family going for a walk, I'd imagine us doing the same thing in a few years. As I saw a pregnant woman feel her belly as the baby began to kick, I'd imagine that would be me in a few months time. After the first miscarriage, that feeling of being surrounded began to make my heart twinge, just a bit. At what I almost had. At what I lost. At what I longed for.

After the second, it made me furious. I'd think to myself, "Oh ya, very funny God. Surround me with what I can't have. Thanks a lot." I began to feel suffocated by the surrounding. It was almost like a game of "Where's Waldo?" except it didn't take much effort to find. Waldo was everywhere!!!!Waldo was walking through my neighborhood, in the produce section at the store, sitting next to me at parties and did I mention the number of baby and pregnant pictures all over facebook?!

Thankfully after the third miscarriage, God had spent some time working on my heart. I no longer felt the anger at the announcement of another pregnancy or the woman pushing the stroller through the store. I had a sense of calm and peace. My heart still skips a beat every once in awhile when I'd feel that maternal tug on my heart. But it no longer hurt. I was finally able to be happy for friends and family with their announcements of good news. It no longer inflicted pain to hold a friend's baby or see their latest family photos.

It is amazing how much happier I now allow myself to be. It was hard to have those feelings of anger and resentment in my daily life. Finally, I am able to laugh at the situation when I feel surrounded by  toddlers and babies and preggos. I can only hope that one day I will no longer be surrounded but will actually be able to join in on all of the baby fun. :) 

Friday, September 20, 2013

Fall... What is that?

Not sure about where everyone else lives, but here in Alaska, our week of "fall" is pretty much over. Fall isn't as much a season around here as it is a fleeting moment. We have 4 seasons, but our 4 are MUCH different than the standard, Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. We have Almost Winter, Winter, Breakup, and Construction. We are currently in Almost Winter season. You see, when it is 25 degrees when you wake up in the morning and 34 degrees on your drive home at 5pm... you KNOW it is Almost Winter.

Monday, September 16, 2013

My future...

iPhone pic - Eagle River, AK

 The future is something that I'm sure a lot of people think about quite often, or maybe not, maybe I'm just weird.... who knows. Anyway, I feel like when you've decided to make any sort of big decision in your life, or a big change, I believe you think about the future that much MORE. Will this job turn into my career? Will this relationship be able to stand the test of time? Is this house a good investment? Will I be a good parent? What will my kids be like? What will they look like? Will they have my sense of humor? or my eyes?... You can see a theme starting to develop in those last few...

Sometimes I am going about my normal day when something catches my attention and drags me into the big black hole of questions about the future. As of late, the majority of my "future" questions obviously revolve around babies, well kids in general. I spent a lot of time with my mom this weekend and we have such a close friendship that I often wonder... will I have this sort of relationship with my daughter? Will I have a daughter? Will I have kids? Will they ever figure out what is wrong with me? Or is there even anything wrong with me? So far all tests have proven that I am NORMAL (ha! not exactly something that I get accused of often)

For me, kids were never a question. OF COURSE I'll have kids! The only unknown part of that future scenario was when? and how many? Did I ever explain my "master plan"? 1- meet boy in high school, you know around 16 or 17. 2- get engaged around 18 or 19. 3- Get married at 20. 4- Children starting a few years after the wedding. Oh! and not only would I have children, but I also decided that I wanted 2 children, MAYBE 3 (the maybe 3 was added on when I got a bit older and realized that there was a possibility that I wouldn't have one of each  right off the bat). First, I would have a boy and a few years later, a girl. You know, so that he can watch out for his younger sister and protect her (have I ever mentioned my incredibly over protective big brother? lol) In the last few years I accepted the fact that it might not work out exactly that way, so I added in the flexibility of a possible 3rd child. That way in case I have 2 boys or 2 girls first, then I could always adopt the 3rd of the opposite gender, oh! or I could just try again. Granted this is the same logic that gets some people 5 boys and no girls.

These past 9 months I've finally accepted that my "master plan" is a bit more fantasy than reality. I find it kind of entertaining to think back on other grand plans that I've come up with and how well those panned out. It is nice to know that despite the epic fails that I sometimes face, there seems to always be a better plan for my life. Thought I am far better than I used to be, I am still working on my patience and my ability to just roll with the punches. I do not know what lies ahead, but I know that all will work out as it should even if I can't yet see what that future may look like.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Happy Friday!

Eagle River, AK 2013 

I am SO glad that it is Friday, granted it will be Saturday here in just 2 hours (Alaska time, so it's already Saturday pretty much everywhere but here lol). This has been a crazy week! Flew back from Seattle late Sunday night and jumped back in to normal life, work, etc. We got pretty much no sleep while we were in Seattle. Like went to bed between 1-3am and up at 7am every day. So I am very much in need of SLEEP.

All this week I had all sorts of grand plans of what I'd get done each night when I got home from work, which of course always ended with "go to bed EARLY". Not ONCE did that happen this week. Not sure what I was thinking. I got nothing done that I'd planned and I got no sleep. Apparently I thought that it was more important to do absolutely nothing and catch up on my TiVo. :)

This will be a fun weekend though! Tomorrow, I am going with one of my best friends to shop for her wedding dress and then Sunday, another good friend of mine is having a Scentsy party. So naturally my mom and I must go and spend money haha. I'm a total sucker for Scentsy... or any sort of smelly candleish things. I am also super excited to just spend some time at home by myself cleaning and probably being incredibly lazy at times. I believe a bubble bath and some nail painting is in order.

Anyway, I hope everyone else had a more rested week than I did and HAPPY WEEKEND! :)

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

31 weeks ago....

I cannot believe that it is already almost mid September! I went through Target yesterday and saw that they were already putting out their Halloween candy and decorations. And then today it hit me, in just 5 weeks, it will be the day of my first due date. I can't believe that 31 weeks ago today, I was waking up my husband to tell him we were going to have a baby (or possibly BABIES as multiples run in my family). 

It is so funny how that same evening, we went out for celebratory dinner and I convinced him that it was necessary to go to Barnes & Noble to look at books! I still remember the "WHAT? Why would we need anything like that anytime soon? Don't we have like 9 months?" That is where I corrected that I was already 4 weeks pregnant, leaving us only 8 months. That is assuming I'd go full term... so possibly only 7 (let's not even think about how long we'd have had if that was multiples!) We did end up buying a baby name book or two.

I remember asking "so what names do you like?" To which he had no reply. Apparently not EVERYONE thinks about what names they'll give their future children haha. We drove home that night, him vetoing most names ever thought of (yes, like 99% of them, at least), and me reading nearly the entire book out loud followed by "why not?" and "I like that name!" whenever I received yet another veto.

It is nice to be able to look back on these 31 weeks without anger or sadness anymore. There were times of joy and pain, but also times healing and growth.  I decided at the beginning of my last pregnancy that regardless of how long I am blessed to be the mother of these babies, they are just that... my babies. I was given a gift with each and every one of them. I take each day that I had with them as a blessing and I hope that one day in a future pregnancy, I will be able to look at my husband when I've gone into labor and tell him "It's time... we are having a baby".

Monday, September 9, 2013

I'm back!

Iphone pic - downtown Seattle. Haven't uploaded camera pictures to my laptop just yet.

We finally  made it home from our trip to Seattle. It was so much fun but definitely lacked in the sleep department. It was amazing getting to see all of the family. We always have so much fun when we get together, you'd never guess we hadn't all been together for over a year. Now, we have to plan our next trip to visit again and hopefully catch a Seahawks game! :)

It was great to be able to be there for my cousin's wedding. I am so happy for him and thrilled that his new wife is now officially a part of the family, though she already has been for a few years now.  I just love spending time with family.

Anyway, while we were in Seattle, I got the call from my doctor with the results of my progesterone testing... sure enough, levels look good. So yet again, we have no idea why I've had the multiple miscarriages.  Just as I suspected. It all just seems so bizarre... a year ago, I never would've thought that this is something that I'd be thinking about. It is incredible how quickly our lives can change.

Now I can only wonder what my life will be like one year from now. Will I be in the process of more testing? Will I be pregnant? Will I have a baby? I am so thankful for where I am at right now. I have no idea what my future holds, but for some odd reason, I am okay with that. Now, you must understand that this is a huge change for me. I've always been the type that needs to KNOW. Around Christmas, I've been known to start guessing what my presents are (generally pretty good at it too!). I actually like when people tell me about the ending of a movie before I've seen it. I will read the end of a book after I've read only the first few chapters... I still finish the book, and it doesn't ruin it for me at all.

I can only hope that my future includes some adorable, healthy babies. But regardless of what is to come, I am so happy in my life right now and can't wait to see what more God has planned for my future.