Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

Something that I have never been very good at is waiting… Patience has just never been my strong suit. I am what one would call, decisive. Once I have made up my mind about something, I figure out my plan, and I go for it. Why wait? Welllll little did I know that my lack of patience would really come back to hit me upside the head when we decided to start our family.

You wait until you think you are ready. You wait until it fits with your timeline. You wait until it is the right time of the month. You wait to again to test. You wait for that test to tell you “yes” or “no”. Depending on that answer you either wait for you next appointment, or for the next month to start all over again. And that is only the beginning of the days, weeks, months, and years of waiting to follow that decision of “let’s start a family”.

After the second miscarriage I realized that I had turned my love of children and my readiness to start a family into an obsession. I was obsessed with my What to Expect app and googling every symptom that I had. I had decided that it was MY time to have a baby, so I would have one. Now. That is how that works right?! You want the baby, so you HAVE the baby. At some point in my craze to reach my end goal of “mom”, I stopped being content with all of the blessings that I already had. What if I was never able to have children? Would I just be miserable for the rest of my life because ONE thing didn’t work out how I wanted it to? I began bargaining with God. “I will make this child go to church every week or maybe 3 times a week, if I can just have this baby. I will never think a mean thing about someone around me again, if I can just have this baby.” I started making my willingness to follow God a condition that I would only mean IF He gave me what I wanted.

I was browsing online one day and I came upon another blog and it was by no means a “motherhood blog” or a “trying to conceive blog”. It was your run of the mill, fashion, hair and makeup kind of blog. But this woman decided to break her silence and share with her readers the struggles that she and her husband had been facing trying to conceive. And it just slapped me right across the face, actually I like to picture it more like those V8 commercials where people get smacked in the forehead and then you hear “Should’ve had a V8″… anyway, getting sidetracked again. She said how she realized that she too had made her longing for a child, her obsession. It became a condition of her happiness. It was as if someone else had watched me and known what was inside my head and my heart, and wrote it all out. I had been doing the EXACT SAME THING. I was giving God stipulations… What was I thinking?

I googled that AA mantra, you know the serenity prayer I believe it is called. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” I began repeating it numerous times a day when I was feeling that stubborn child in me come out and start bargaining with God again. I needed to accept the circumstances that I had been presented with (I am a statistic… I have miscarried, 3 times), do what I can about things that I have power over (i.e. get the testing done as recommended by my dr), and the wisdom to differentiate between the 2. It is so easy to get caught up in what we don’t like but sometimes we get so stuck on it that we fail to see the life lessons that maybe we REALLY needed to learn or that while there is nothing that I can do about my previous 3 miscarriages, there are things that I can do for my future.

In this journey toward what I can only hope and pray results in motherhood, I have learned patience. A good trait for parenthood I might add. Maybe I need to learn patience now because I have a child just as stubborn as me in my future… Who knows. My point is, that while this journey is full of waiting, I have finally come to accept it. I no longer drive myself crazy counting down the seconds until my next doctor appointment or the next time I can pee on yet another stick, I am learning to live in the moment and appreciate what I have. Yes, I still dream of things to come, but those dreams coming true, no longer dictate my happiness. I guess all of this waiting isn’t so bad after all. Besides, the best things in life are well worth the wait. :)

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