Monday, August 26, 2013


Throughout life there are many times that we need healing… mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. In the past 8 months I have needed my fair share of all of the above. 3 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages, there is a lot of healing the body needs to do to recover from that. This last one in particular as I was further along than with the other 2. It has now been 3 and a half months since that ultrasound appointment that I will never forget. The one where I should have been able to see that baby’s heartbeat, but didn’t. The appointment where I was supposed to have these pictures to take home and show family, but  didn’t.

In the last 3 and a half months my body has made alllll sorts of changes. It was weird to know that our baby had stopped growing but I still had the physical symptoms of pregnancy. So naturally, I slept a lot, cried a lot, OH! and did I mention that I ate my feelings? I have a tendency to do that… I gained a good 10+ pounds in the 2 weeks after that ultrasound appointment. Thankfully as I’ve slowly healed emotionally, I stopped stuffing my face and have since lost even more than the 10+ pounds that I’d gained (thank goodness!!!). Before I was able to even begin to start emotionally healing, I had to work on my spiritual health. My relationship with God could easily have deteriorated this year with the trials that have been put in my path, but instead He has helped me to get through each hour, each day, each week. He has given me the strength to keep going. He gave me hope for my future.

I am as stubborn as they come, my family and friends can attest to that, and I just didn’t want to see what was right in front of me. God was telling me to wait, be patient. I had to give up control of my life and the plan that I had made for it and leave it all to Him. He has a perfect plan for me and my life. I no longer have a clear picture of what my future looks like and probably for the first time in my life, I am okay with that. I’m ecstatic about it! Do you know how much less stress it is to give up your troubles and hardships and know that God will get you through? I couldn’t have imagined how at peace I could feel, especially in light of what this year has been like.

Up until now, every child or baby related commercial would make my heart sink. Every time I saw or heard a baby, I couldn’t breathe. It actually hurt to hear that other people were pregnant. All of the sudden I realized, I was surrounded. By pregnant women, babies, children, families. It wasn’t my imagination. God was placing them in my life because I needed to be broken in order to see that I needed Him to put me back together again.

I know friends and family have sort of walked on eggshells around me since the miscarriages. Careful not to talk about their own pregnancy or their friend who just had a baby, for fear of hurting my feelings. And while I am touched that they care that much about me, I am happy to announce, they needn’t do that any longer. The cracks are still there, but the pieces are put back together again. I recently learned of yet ANOTHER friend who is now pregnant, and instead of the pain, I was happy for them! I’m not sure if I was more happy for them or more happy that it didn’t hurt. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have to remind myself to keep breathing and force a smile. I was genuinely happy.

Maybe this was something that I needed. Maybe I needed to be broken down to realize that I can’t keep trying to be okay and do things on my own. I need God, I need my family, I need my friends. I need. I am one person and I can’t do it on my own anymore. I have been so incredibly lucky to have been blessed with an AMAZING support system in my family, friends, co-workers, etc. I know that for many people, miscarriage and loss in general is an awkward subject. It is easier to pretend it hasn’t happened than to break down and cry and tell someone how you really feel and what you are going through. But I cannot explain just how much sharing and venting and crying actually helped me. I know that every person is different, but if you have kept everything to yourself and want to try, do it. Reach out to someone who is willing to listen. Don’t be afraid to start that uncomfortable conversation. You are not alone.

Somewhat off topic are these photos that I took this weekend. It’s funny how I didn’t realize how sad and out of it I truly was until now. I didn’t see the beautiful things around me. It was as if I was in some sort of fog and finally that fog has been lifted and I’ve just been looking around amazed at how gorgeous this place is.

1 comment:

  1. I love this post. This is exactly what I have been doing ('we've decided it's time, we want a baby, we should have a baby - right now'). I'm horrible at waiting for the really big things in life, yet God has always had me wait for them for one reason or another. God has been teaching me a lot this year, but primarily to let go of control in my ttc journey/miscarriage healing. I blog a lot about that.

    It's really interesting to think about God placing babies and pregnant women all around you. I, too, have really struggled with that and it didn't occur to me that He might be doing that on purpose. It's one of the things that gets to me most, so it's encouraging to think that God might specifically be doing that to ultimately help me. Thanks for sharing that.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your ttc struggles, especially your miscarriages. I will be praying for you!