Saturday, August 31, 2013
Before miscarriage... after miscarriage
Before miscarriage… I would see a child or a pregnant woman and get that warm fuzzy feeling. A feeling of “I can’t wait until that is me”. Before starting a family, you think of having kids as a choice. I will choose to have kids or I will choose to not have kids… We rarely think “what if I want kids, but I can’t have kids?”
After miscarriage… I see a child or a pregnant woman and it kind of makes my heart stop if only for a moment. I instantly have an inner monologue of “I hope that they know how blessed they are to have that. I wonder if I’ll ever have that? How far along would I be if my first pregnancy hadn’t ended, or my second, or my third?” Which by the way, I would be 7 and a half months pregnant if my first pregnancy hadn’t ended so soon. That’s just crazy to think about.
Now I don’t want to give the wrong impression, I am not dwelling on the past, I’m simply stating a fact. I understand that while I don’t know why things have happened this way, I know God has a plan. I am at peace with what has happened and where I am at now. Just because I have healed and continued to move forward, doesn’t mean that I don’t still wonder, what if. How would my life be different if I hadn’t miscarried? I feel that my relationship with my husband, my family, and a few friends have grown a lot stronger throughout this roller coaster of a year that I’ve had so far. There is something so bonding about sharing something so personal with someone else.
It is incredible how your perspective can change on so many things, so quickly. Someone you hadn’t talked to in years might become someone you talk to almost daily as they not only are willing to share their store with you, but also truly care about you and your story. Someone you never really knew at work, decides to open up to you to let you know that you aren’t alone. You learn to not just talk about giving your worries and struggles to God, but you realize that that is the only way you will make it through the days, weeks, and months to follow.
Before my miscarriages, I’d say that I lived in Shelbyland, a place where everything is happy and sparkly and good. I could decide that I wanted to do something, and I would get it done. I was naive. Now, while I still spend a lot of time in Shelbyland, I try to make my way back to reality every now and then. I have to realize that not everything will go my way. Not everything can be planned. I am not now, nor will I ever be, in control of my own life. I consider it a complete blessing to live each day. I have so many things to be thankful for. I would definitely say that I was certainly a happy person “before miscarriage”, but now, “after miscarriage” I am not only truly happy, I have a much better appreciation for all that I have.
I still pray that one day, I will be lucky enough to have a child look up at me and call me “mom”. Though my history of miscarriages is now fact, and set in stone. My future is still unknown to me… but I still have hope.