Friday, August 23, 2013
Regardless of the sometimes unwelcoming weather, I consider myself lucky to have been raised here. This is where I grew up, where I met my husband, where I got married, and where we’ve started our life together.
I think I’m getting ahead of myself… maybe I should start with more information about me…
Married: YES!… to the most amazing man by the way
Pets: Of course! I have an adorable Yorkshire Terrier named Gidget… I consider her my child. Yes, yes, I’m one of those people… I thought I was pretty darn witty when I told my husband that he’s her Dogfather… but maybe that’s only funny to me. I think he just rolled his eyes when I came up with that one.
Favorite Color: I would like to say glitter but as some say that doesn’t count, the other favorite would be pink.
Hobbies: Time with friends and family, shopping, reading, camping (my version of camping MUST include running water), fishing, clam digging (razor clams are fast little guys!), doing hair and makeup, cooking and baking, watching sports, all things fashion, obsessively watching episodes of every fashion, cooking and home improvement related show ever made… I have a slight addiction to HGTV and Food Network. Poor husband…
Future hobbies: I had to add this because for years now I have been toying with the idea of getting a nice camera and maybe taking some photography classes. I’ve always thought it would be fun and I just love seeing what moments can be captured… don’t judge the picture above too harshly as it was an iPhone picture that I took through a window while my husband and I were driving.
Why I started this blog: I’ve always liked the idea of blogging and though my first instinct is to start one about baking or doing hair and makeup, in the past few years my life has been full of so many changes, and I thought it would be nice to document my journey. In the recent few years I have gotten married, moved, bought a house (another move), remodeled a good portion of that house, changed careers twice, and most recently husband and I decided that it was time to start our family… which is when God brought it to our attention that our plan was not the same as His plan.
When we got married, the usual questioning ensued… “When will you have babies?!” We discussed it and decided, we wanted some time at the beginning of our marriage, where it was just the two of us. We also wanted to own our own home beforehand. A year and a half into our marriage (December 2012), we bought our first house. Just over a month later, I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. My whole life my ultimate career goal had always been “mom”. Two short days after my exciting news, I began to miscarry. We were absolutely devastated. You know the possibility is there, but you never truly think it will be you… I cried, a lot… I tried to rationalize the whole thing, as I typically do. We talked it over and decided, what are the chances it will happen twice in a row? I mean really. March came around, and again I was pregnant! One week later, I began to miscarry yet again. This time I quickly skipped from sad to straight up pissed off.
Yet again, I rationalized… Okay 2 miscarriages, now what on earth are the chances that I would miscarry 3 times in a row? Right?! Am I alone in thinking the probability SHOULD be pretty darn low?! April, I am pregnant again! This time, I passed the time frame of my first miscarriage, and the second! I actually made it to my first doctor appointment. This was a HUGE step for me. This time felt different and I just felt really good about it all. As week 8 approached, I couldn’t wait for my next appointment. We would be doing my first ultrasound! I made it past weeks 6, 7, and even made it to week 8. I made it to my first ultrasound appointment! We were so excited, the husband and I watched as the Doctor looked for our sweet little one and the heartbeat. SILENCE…. My heart sank immediately. I knew what this meant. One of the only times in my life that I desperately wanted to be wrong. Finally the doctor spoke… it wasn’t looking good and she was worried. The weeks that followed were some of the toughest weeks we’d endured in our marriage. We were heartbroken.
There were numerous follow up appointments to confirm that this was in fact, another miscarriage, or more specifically a missed miscarriage, as my body had not yet started to actually miscarry. I’m not going to lie, it SUCKED. It took weeks for my body to finally get the message that this baby was not going to be growing anymore.
I went through the typical phases of why me? why 3 miscarriages? what did I do wrong? what could I have changed?… just WHY?! During those months it started to really sink in. Things do not happen on my own timeline, but God’s. Not at my will, but His. God has a plan for me, and just because I decided I wanted a baby now, that doesn’t mean the time was right. I prayed a lot for comfort and strength. Each day, sometimes each hour, I would pray for the Lord to give me the strength to keep going, the strength to get up, go to work, live my life. I needed Him to give me the strength to keep it together. I had multiple co-workers tell me how amazing it was that I was handling it all so well. I can honestly tell you, that was NOT me. I still cried, sometimes at very weird times and for no apparent reason, but God helped me to keep moving and to heal. I needed to heal not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Recently, I happened across this verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
This verse spoke to me in a way that it never had before. While I don’t know what my future holds or what God’s plans are for me… I need not worry because God knows. He has a plan for me. God has plans for my hope and my future. I have to be patient and follow His path.
I’m sure this post is ALLLLL over the place, but that’s okay. I’m new to this and I felt it was necessary to start to get my story out there. I have been lucky enough to find a few blogs of other women who have had similar pregnancy/miscarriage stories. It helped me to hear not just “you aren’t alone” but to truly go through their stories. I also have been blessed with multiple women in my life who have been through miscarriage and have been gracious enough to spend time talking to me, supporting me, and listening to me vent and whine. These amazing women have helped me in such an unimaginable way and I hope that maybe one day, my story will be able to help someone else. I believe that miscarriage is something that is so common, but it is never talked about. I can say that from experience, the last thing you need when going through a miscarriage is to feel alone.
If you have somehow made it through this freakishly long and all over the place post… you are amazing. Thank you for allowing me to share a bit of my story with you.