Saturday, August 24, 2013

3 pregnancies... 3 miscarriages

Yep, that’s right. I’ve been pregnant 3 times already! Sadly, all 3 pregnancies have ended in miscarriage. Let’s start at the beginning.

As I stated in my first post, husband and I decided that in the beginning of 2013 we would try to start a family. Sure enough, as that time of the month approached that first month, I felt… different. A short time later, a test confirmed what we’d already suspected, I was pregnant. Unfortunately 2 days later, I woke up to bleeding. My heart sank. Husband was out of town for work and not wanting to make him worry, I mean, people talk about “implantation bleeding”. Maybe that was what this was. I sent a quick text to my mom and within minutes she was at my house. My mom has always been one of my best friends and though I wasn’t sure that I needed someone to come over and talk with me, she knew me better.

Within a few hours, there was no question that this was not implantation bleeding, I was miscarrying. I cried. I pouted. I vented. I ate my feelings… No matter what I did, I knew nothing would change what was happening. With the support of my husband, my family and a few close friends, I began to heal emotionally. As I wasn’t very far along, my body healed quite quickly. Husband and I talked through it all and decided, well, miscarriage is common, what are the chances it’ll happen twice in a row.

Not long after, I was getting those weird feelings again… I knew I was pregnant again before a test could even confirm that fact. My body gave me a few new symptoms to add to the list from last time… I was passed out and drooling on the couch by 8pm every night. I was nauseous. I was starving every hour… it was bizarre. It wasn’t even like “oh, I could used a snack…” No, it was more like I HAVEN’T EATEN IN YEARS; I’M STARVING TO DEATH! I didn’t care though… I’ll take whatever symptoms as long as it meant I was carrying our child.

One week after that positive test, I again woke up to bleeding. This time my first reaction was, no… no. This is NOT happening again. As if I could will things to change (logical, I know). This wasn’t how this was supposed to work. I had morning sickness… they say that’s a sign of a healthy pregnancy, right?… The first time I miscarried, I was devastated, but this time, this time I was PISSED. This wasn’t how starting a family is supposed to go.

Again, I rationalized. Okay… one miscarriage, that’s bound to happen. Two miscarriages, that’s just cruel. What is the likelihood of 3? This time, the symptoms didn’t hit me quite as early as the previous 2. I was sure that I wasn’t pregnant this time. That was until one Saturday morning, I was watching tv and ESPN was on. Of all things on tv, it was bowling. BOWLING. One team lost some national title or whatever you get in college bowling… they cried. I cried?… Why was I crying over bowling on tv? Maybe I am pregnant. I went upstairs and took a test and yet again, I was pregnant.
I was a bit nervous, as one could imagine. I debated on whether or not to set up my first doctor appointment, but I did anyway. I was terrified that I’d miscarry before I got to it and I’d have to call and cancel. Each and every day that I woke up to no bleeding, I prayed. I thanked God for each day that I’d been blessed with this baby. I decided that whether I made it to 5 weeks or all the way to term, I’d thank God for every day for this gift. New symptoms with this pregnancy, wake up somewhere between 2 and 3am to pee and then I was wide awake between 6 and 7am every day, regardless of when I’d gone to sleep. Again, fine by me. I’ll take any symptoms as long as it means that I am still carrying this child.

Finally, it was the day of my first appointment. We were ecstatic! No ultrasound for the first appointment, just paperwork and blood work. Oh, and they scheduled my next visit which would include the first ultrasound, but it wasn’t for another 3 weeks. 3 WHOLE WEEKS. Hey, when you are anxiously waiting, 3 weeks feels like an eternity!

The day of the first ultrasound finally arrived. All day at work, I had to try to stay distracted otherwise I would obsess. We get to the appointment, and again we wait. I swear the last thing you should ever make a hormonal, pregnant, nervous woman do… is wait. They did the usual first appointment stuff and after waiting and waiting and waiting, it was time for the ultrasound. They brought husband into the room and started with the ultrasound. Now I will admit, I am a bit Google obsessed. So I knew what to expect to see. We should see the sac and the flickering of that little heartbeat. But all that I got… SILENCE. I knew what that meant. I knew it wasn’t good. Finally the doctor spoke and told us that she wasn’t seeing what she’d hoped to see. She explained that they’d run some tests and bring me in for a follow up to see if maybe the dates are wrong and I’m not as far along as they’d thought. I held it together very well and when the doctor left the room, I made sure to let husband know… “don’t hug me until we are out of here. I will lose it and I can’t lose it yet.” He sat with me while they drew more blood, we set up the next appointment for me to come in for another blood draw. We made it to the parking lot and husband put his arm around me and as I’d expected. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. My mom was waiting for my call to tell her how things went. I hated making that call, but I needed to.

Over the days and weeks that followed, there were blood tests, ultrasounds and follow up appointments. The doctor confirmed that it was a missed miscarriage. She also recommended that we consider testing to hopefully shed some light on why I’d miscarried 3 times. While I hated that this meant more waiting before we could try again, I knew that if I didn’t and I miscarried again, I’d be so upset with myself. So we waited and waited and waited. AGAIN. I’m getting pretty good at this waiting thing. I had more blood drawn, and by more blood I mean, I think they literally took all of my blood. But that’s okay, I just want to know what is going on and how we can fix it. Blood tests came back normal. While I was happy to hear that, it was incredibly frustrating to be still left with no answers. The next step was a saline ultrasound, which by the way, weirdest feeling ever! If you aren’t sure you understand what I mean, you haven’t had one. Trust me, you’d know what I mean.

Yet again, this test showed everything is normal. Great. I’m NORMAL, but I can’t carry a pregnancy to term! What’s the point in having all the parts and having them all technically functioning properly, if they don’t do what they are meant to do?! Thankfully, I’ve been seeing an AMAZING doctor who has helped so many women. We have a plan, yes more tests included. So again, we wait.

I know that my story isn’t exactly rainbows and butterflies, but it is my story. While it has been hard, it has brought me and my husband closer. This journey hasn’t gone the way that anyone would ever want it to, but it brought me to a few realizations. I became so focused on a baby that I made my happiness depend on this child. God brought me to the breaking point. He made me realize that I was trying to force things to happen on my timeline, the way that I wanted them to happen. I was being taught patience. This will not happen on my timeline, but His. I don’t know that I’ll ever give birth to a child, but I know that it will all happen exactly as God has planned. I am at peace now. I know that I already have all that I need for happiness in Him. He has blessed me in so many ways already, an amazing husband, a wonderful family, great friends, a good job, health, and SO much more. I do hope and pray that one day in the future, we are blessed with children, but I know that whatever happens, I will be happy. I am happy. I needn’t worry about what my future holds because God already knows, and it will be exactly as it is supposed to be.

No comments:

Post a Comment