Wednesday, December 25, 2013

"So when will you be having kids?"

Hm... well. Funny thing about that question. The person asking it has no clue the can of worms they just opened up. How do I answer that? Do I lie or sugar coat it for them? "Oh, you know, eventually." Or do I unleash the truth upon them? "Actually now would be great. I've already been pregnant 4 times this year but so far, no baby to bring home. It'd be nice to make it past the pregnant stage into the bring home the baby stage."

Have you ever had someone ask a seemingly innocent question, and the answer that you gave left them looking like you just ran over their puppy and then kicked them in the stomach? I mean, they did ask BUT they truly didn't know what they were asking. The question is a bit more invasive than just a simple "How are you doing?" but this is the reality that I live in. I am at the point in my life where people expect me to start having children, especially anyone who knows me as they all know how much I love children and have always wanted my own.

So when will I be having children?... good question! I'd love to know the answer to that one myself.

I don't fault anyone who brings the topic up around me because I'm more than happy to talk about it all, but sometimes I wonder if being THAT honest is a bad thing. I mean, do people really want to know the truth when they ask something like that? If you were having an awful day, and someone walks up "How's it going?!", do you ever really say "Well actually... it sucks." and then proceed to give them the full account of why things aren't going so well?...

I am someone who has a tendency to talk my feelings out. It makes me feel better. It helps me to work through things (hence the blog!). But I already know my story. It won't hit me like a sucker punch to the gut when I explain what this last year has been like for my family. Chances are though, they have nooooo idea what they just started.  So how do I respond? Do I give the whole truth? Or do I spare the awkward stare and the look of sadness that washes over them as they thought they were bringing up a happy topic, babies! but instead had Debbie Downer ruin the moment with a harsh reality. Do I give the politically correct answer, "Oh... well whenever it happens I guess" or "Eventually"... ? I haven't a clue. I can't actually remember the last time I spared the poor soul who unknowingly just started a very long conversation with me regarding having children, but maybe that's the better route to take... I'm not sure.

You should probably pity the nice people who try to start innocent conversations with me about babies...

Eagle River, AK December 2013

Christmas!... and a gift for myself

Merry Christmas!

Here in Alaska it isn't even 11pm yet on Christmas night. I've had a great Christmas this year. It isn't exactly the Christmas that I have been picturing all year, as I fully expected to be holding our baby this Christmas... but it was still a wonderful time with family.

Husband and I went to his family's house for Christmas Eve, which is always a ton of fun and incredibly entertaining. He is the oldest of 8 so there are always tons of people around. It's like a party with just immediate family. Granted this year we were missing a few... one sibling and his family live in another state, and then another sibling went with his wife to see her family for Christmas.

Then this morning, we went over to my parents house for another fun time with family. Definitely fewer people, but with a 6 year old and 3 dogs running around, the noise level is probably about even :). We were also hoping to be interrupted to take a trip to the hospital since my sister in law (brother's wife) is pregnant and could be having the baby any day now. My mom and I have been trying to talk her into eating some spicy food or doing a few sets of stairs to see if we can get things moving along haha. I just can't wait to meet this new niece of mine!!!

Anyway, I got myself a Christmas present... I have a shopping problem :/ haha. Do you have that same problem? Well, I feel like I have good reason for this gift to myself. A few months back I read a blog post (cannot remember which blog for the life of me) and she had ordered a necklace from Origami Owl as a physical reminder of her child lost to miscarriage. I thought that that was such a great idea. I searched the website, picked out what I wanted, but never ordered it.

Then about a week and a half ago I saw a link to the website where the consultant (I think this company calls them "designers") was going to be donating 50% of her commissions to a family that I know who is currently going through a rough time due to some medical stuff. I thought, how perfect! I'd get this necklace I've been looking at, and it'll also help out another family! I logged on that night and ordered myself this necklace. I purchased the medium locket in rose gold, rose gold chain, rose gold "faith" plate, a HOPE charm, angel wing charm, and then 4 birthstone charms... October, November, December and August. One for what would have been each baby's due date had those pregnancies not ended in miscarriage.

Well the necklace finally arrived this week, and I LOVE it. It is not only beautiful but so incredibly meaningful to me. It is something physical that serves as a reminder of my angel babies. It is so nice to have another happy thing come out of something that was very difficult and painful at times.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas!!! Can't believe it is almost 2014!!!



Saturday, December 21, 2013

December 22, 2013 - due date#3

Pinterest
I just don't think I could go through today and not mention what today is to me.

Today is the day that would have been my 3rd due date.

 I vividly remember this pregnancy, granted it was not very long ago. This baby stayed with me longer than the other 2 before. I remember the excitement and nervousness of that first ultrasound. I remember watching that screen as the doctor searched for the heartbeat. I just knew when I saw that screen that it was not good, everything was not okay. I didn't cry, I just waited. I remember telling the husband not to hug me or touch me because I just knew I'd lose it. I held it in. I held it together. I got dressed and we discussed everything with the doctor. There was a chance, that I wasn't as far along as I thought (I knew that wasn't true). There was a chance, things were just moving along slowly (I knew that wasn't true). But we sat. We listened. We discussed. I sat there, sort of numb as they drew blood. And we left. Once we were almost to the car, husband put his arm around me and I totally broke down. Bawling. I knew that I had to call my mom and tell her what had happened. She was waiting to hear how things went. It was one of those "What do you mean? How is that possible?" moments. I was still hopeful that maybe that small chance was my small chance. Somehow... This was supposed to be lucky #3, right? Third time's the charm?...

A few days later, after another blood draw, I sat at home and my mom came over. She said she just couldn't not be there. We tried to stay distracted but I was checking my phone every 30 seconds. I felt just sick to my stomach waiting for the phone call. Finally it rang. My heart sank. Especially when I heard the word "Unfortunately..." I knew it. My doctor was confirming my fears. I was miscarrying. Well, actually my body was totally unaware that I was supposed to be miscarrying. The baby was gone but my body was still progressing as if I was pregnant.

A missed miscarriage...

This one was a rough one. It took another few weeks for my body to get the memo and start the miscarriage process. That process is something that I will never forget. It was a very hard time in some aspects, but it was also a time where I was very at peace. I was very glad to get things moving along as it meant my body was healing and it also helped me start to heal emotionally when I no longer had to deal with the pregnancy symptoms, knowing full well that there was no longer a baby.

I had been praying every day, thanking the Lord for another day with my baby, but after that appointment, I had a new prayer. I prayed for peace. I prayed that God would help me to get through every day, every hour, every moment. To keep going. Keep living my life. And He answered. He gave me peace. He gave me calm.

Though I was hurting and confused, I was okay. It actually surprised me how at peace I was. I know that that was alllll Him. There is no way I would have been able to be that okay on my own.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to turn into a sad post or rehash what happened. It is just bizarre to think about where I was at then physically, emotionally, spiritually... and where I am now. I know that everything that I have been through is for a reason. I know that everything is happening according to God's plan for this family. I just have to be patient.

I still have hope.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Do you ever feel surrounded?

Now, I've talked before about being surrounded by kids and babies and pregnant women, but this time I'm not talking about by people. I've had a strange series of events lately. In this post I talked about how I went to purchase the book "Heaven Is for Real" and Amazon told me that I had already purchased the book. I laughed and thought, "Wow, this must be a sign that I need to read this book".  Well, it happened again. I was on Amazon looking to purchase another book "Hannah's Hope", and again Amazon thought I'd previously purchased the book.

Is this another sign?

To make matters more strange, back in November I talked about how I'd received a text from Target advertising a sale on baby stuff on the same day that I discovered that I was not pregnant that month. Well, this month after my doctor notified me that this pregnancy was also ending in miscarriage I got another Target baby text. Now I never signed up for these texts and I thought that I'd unsubscribed last month. Yet, somehow I got another one this month! At yet another weird time.

Adding to the weirdness... a few weeks ago I came home to find that among the stack of mail the husband had brought inside, was this box. The box had a baby brand logo with a picture of a baby on the outside. Now, I know that I didn't order anything. I also know that I never signed up for anything using my home address, but there it was... addressed to me. Inside was a letter congratulating me on my new addition to the family. There were of brochures, coupons, and samples.

I feel like I'm being followed. I am no longer being followed by babies and pregnant women... Now even inanimate objects and technology are surrounding me with baby related things. Good thing I now just laugh it off and don't break down in tears at the reminders of what it is that I don't have but have always hoped for.

On another note... it is snowing. AGAIN. Last weekend we got over a foot of snow in less than 24 hours. Wednesday night we got more snow. And now.... this! You probably can't see it in my awful iPhone picture... but it is snowing. Ugh.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

My Chemical Pregnancy

The last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster for my family... This past Thursday I got a positive pregnancy test. I was sitting at work that day and realized that I'd felt like crying at the drop of a hat for DAYS. I had this sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. I went to the store on my lunch break to buy some tests and they confirmed it. I am pregnant!

It felt so surreal. I mean, this was the 4th time this year that I've found out that I am pregnant. When every pregnancy thus far has not resulted in a baby in my arms, it makes it really tough to believe that it is real. Per my doctor's instruction, I called that day to notify them of my positive home pregnancy test. I was told that I needed to go in Friday and Sunday to get blood work done so that they could check my numbers. Sure. I can do that. I'm a pro at getting my blood drawn now. Friday morning on the way to work, I stopped in and got my blood drawn. Done. A few hours later they called to tell me that my blood work was consistent with pregnancy and after my blood draw on Sunday, they would call me on Monday with the results.

Sure, more waiting, but doable. Sunday morning I stopped at the hospital once again to get more blood drawn. Easy. Now for the hard part... the waiting! Sunday went fairly quickly for me thankfully. But Monday... that was a long day. I was going crazy waiting for my phone to ring with the results. I checked it dozens of times an hour.

Finally, it rang! It was my doctor. Sadly, she did not have good news this time. My beta levels had dropped between Friday and Monday (and they were pretty low to begin with). This wasn't the one. This miscarriage is classified as a "chemical pregnancy" as it was before 5 weeks. I think I'm collecting various types of miscarriages... regular miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, missed miscarriage.. I am now 4 for 4.

Four pregnancies. Four miscarriages.

Four times I have looked at that little stick in shock and amazement. Four times I have told husband "I'm pregnant". Four times I have figured out my due date... October 15th, November 17th, December 22nd and finally August 17th.Four times I have been devastated by a pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Four. Times.

But the number of times I have been able to feel my baby kick. Zero. The number of times I have set up a nursery. Zero. The number of times I have been able to hold my baby. Zero. The number of babies I have brought home from the hospital. Zero.

I know, it could always be worse. I know that. I truly do, but that doesn't make this not hurt. Just because it is considered a "chemical pregnancy" because it was so early, doesn't make it hurt less. I was pregnant with a child. Another child who will spend eternity in Heaven with my other 3 angel babies. At least they have each other.

It is hard. It is hard to get bad news every time. It is hard to be excited for a life, when every time you have been in that same place, it has ended so soon.

I was lucky enough to take the rest of the day off. I drove home, put on sweats, turned on Netflix and laid on the couch. That is where I stayed for the next 8 or so hours. Sometimes I broke down in tears, but most of the time I felt sort of numb. I am sad. I am disappointed. But I have to remember that this is all for a reason. I have to remember that God has a plan for my life. I have to keep going. I have to keep living. I have to move forward. There will be a next time, and I hope that next time I will finally be able to feel that baby kick, set up that nursery, hold that child, and bring a healthy baby home from the hospital.

I have to believe that this is for a better reason. I have to believe that these are steps that I must take. I have to have hope.

Found on pinterest

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Questions...

As that time of the month approaches I find myself wondering... am I pregnant?

If I am, how will that feel?
Will I be terrified?
Will I be able to be excited?
Will I worry every moment?

This year has definitely been full of ups and downs. 3 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages. Dozens of vials of blood. Every possible test... Can I do that again? I hope so. What if I am pregnant? Will it all work out? What if I miscarry?

My head is just full of questions. A lot of "what ifs". In less than 2 and a half weeks... it will be what would have been my 3rd due date. Only a few days before Christmas. On one hand that really makes me sad, to know what life would have been like right now, and to remember the pain that came with that last miscarriage. By far it was the worst of them all. On the other hand, it makes me happy to know that I did it. I survived. I am healthy. I am happy. My body has healed. And I think that I have healed emotionally as well.

This has sure been a crazy year and it would be AMAZING to greet that 3rd due date with good news, but if not, I will be okay. Guess I just have to wait and see!!! Fingers crossed. :)

Monday, November 25, 2013

Seattle happened again...


As I mentioned in my Due Date #2 post, we went to Seattle again. It was an absolute blast. I flew out last Saturday morning with two of my brother in laws. Landed in Portland for our layover... took a bumpy flight on in to Seattle. The 3 of us took the light rail to downtown and wandered the few blocks to our hotel. After checking in and get our stuff put in our room, we decided we needed to find FOOD. We walked around and checked out a few menus, finally decided to try the Taproom, which of course had a 45 minute wait. We decided we didn't want to wait. So we walked... and walked... and walked. It was actually a lot of fun and after much more than 45 minutes of walking, we walked into Hard Rock. We don't currently have one in Alaska and they were able to get us in right away.

It was 8:30 or so and we were hungry. I had myself a Watermelon Margarita... can we say YUM? :)

After dinner we were in search of ice cream... I'm not entirely sure why but we were having a heck of a time finding somewhere at 10pm that sold ice cream. We settled for some cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory (another restaurant we don't have in Alaska).  We took our cheesecake back to the hotel to watch a movie. The boys and I had an entertaining night. We stayed up waiting for the husband's flight to arrive (he had to work Saturday night so he didn't fly in until 1:30am). He shows up just after we'd all gone to sleep. He turns lights on and makes all sorts of noise so we all were wide awake yet again. We told him about our night and by the time we were finished talking, we were all a bit delirious. We stayed up until about 3:30 laughing and talking. Our alarms started going off at 7... that was not nearly enough sleep. After we all took showers and got ready to go for the day.

We were in Seattle for a purpose after all, the Seahawks game. We left our hotel before 9am (ya, the game wasn't until 1:30pm) and started the half hour walk to the stadium. We weren't the only ones decked out in our gear either! We wandered through all of the tailgating and went on into the stadium for all of the fun pre-game stuff that started at 10. We bought even MORE Seahawks stuff, we had to be fully prepared for the game of course.

We watched the teams warm up, we found our seats (2 hours before the game).
Awesome seats by the way... After the boys were done with their initial excitement, we were able to go look around the stadium some more. Bought more stuff at the pro shop. Eat food. Drink. Hang out in general. And then... it was game time...



 
The game was certainly A LOT of fun and can't wait to go to another one!
Hanging out  in our seats a good few hours before the game haha
After the game we walked back to our hotel to grab our bags, wandered through Nordstrom Rack really quickly so I could get THESE!!! :)
http://www.stevemadden.com/Item.aspx?gid=23670
and these....
http://juliannehough.com/julianne-hough-for-sole-societys-new-wedge-is-here/
We crammed them in the husband's bag as we took the light rail back to the airport where we ran into my parents who were on their way home from Mexico. The husband's flight left 3 hours before mine. Again, the boys and I just hung out in the airport, talking about how tired and hungry we were. We had all had less than 4 hours of sleep since Saturday morning and it was definitely starting to kick in.

Another 4 hour layover in Fairbanks, Alaska. By this time it was 2am and we were exhausted. Finally, we landed back in Anchorage at 7:15am. Pretty much zombies. I'm not sure if it was the cold air (I think it was -10 when I got to my car) or the coffee but I felt wide awake! I decided I didn't need to get any sleep. So naturally, my mom came over to pick me up and we went shopping! :)

Anyway, that was my Seattle trip. I was hoping to get to see some family while we were there but it really was such a quick trip that we just didn't have time. I can't wait to plan my next trip back to Seattle! :)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Due date #2

The day is here. November 17th... the day that would have been my second due date. It is so bizarre to think about. I vividly remember that second miscarriage. I remember the emotional and physical pain... I remember that this was the one where I quickly jumped from sad to just angry.

After my first due date passed, I wondered if each subsequent due date would be easier, more difficult, the same? At this point it still just seems so surreal. 

Miscarriage is a strange thing. No matter how far along you are before you lost your baby, if you are like me, you already thought about whether it was a boy or a girl, would they have my eyes or my husband's sense of humor? I saw a picture in my head of life with this child. Our first Christmas, first birthday... Everything. 

But when you lose a child to miscarriage, often times no one is even aware other than a few close family and friends. There is no funeral. And you are told things like "at least you weren't that far along" or "you are still young, you can have another". But that's just it, you are still grieving that child. The child that you lost. Yes, I can try again. Yes, maybe I wasn't that far along. But I didn't just lose my baby, I lost a lifetime of memories watching this child grow up. 

Don't get me wrong, it is a huge comfort to know that my babies are in heaven, safe, happy and will never experience pain or sadness. That doesn't mean that I don't still miss them...

Thankfully, I had a good distraction from everything today. I flew to Seattle yesterday with 2 of my brother in laws, met up with the husband and we all went to the Seahawks game today. It was my first NFL game and we all had a total blast. 





Sunday, November 10, 2013

Another month to get in shape...

That is what I am looking at this coming month as... an opportunity. Yes, we are disappointed that things did not work out for this month. But let's face it, thus far we have been 3 for 3 on trying to get pregnant and getting pregnant. Now we are 3 for 4 (I don't really count last month due to being incredibly sick). The statistics could definitely be much less in our favor. So, I'll take it.

I had a rough day yesterday... I haven't had a day like that in awhile. It was definitely a good day for a pity party. I am officially down over 20lbs since July and I'm going to try to use this month as an opportunity to get that weight down even more. It's so frustrating trying to look at the upside of this but I know that I have to. I can't dwell on my sadness and disappointment. I can't allow my happiness to be dependent upon my circumstances. I have to choose happiness.

I spent most of yesterday lying on the couch, sometimes randomly breaking down in tears. Today is a different day. Today I will get myself up, make myself work out, get out of the house, and get things done. Today is the first day of another month to get my body in the best baby growing shape ever :)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Rough day

Today has been a bit of a rough day for me... I'm not quite sure why exactly.

For starters, I tested this morning... negative. So of course that's disappointing. Less than 2 minutes later my phone buzzes. It was a text from Target about some sale on baby stuff. Figures.

I check my emails... some of the sample sale websites that I get daily emails from... some of their feature sales were on maternity clothes. Awesome.

I decided to be a bit of a bum for a few hours but finally decided it was time to get up and get ready for the day like a normal human. As I'm getting ready, it starts snowing :(  Granted, it IS November and we have been incredibly lucky not to have snow stick yet this year but it still gave me a bit of a "NO NO NO NO NO... NO" tantrum moment.

Finally, I left the house headed for town to look at baby shower invites. On my way, traffic sucks. It is as if all Alaskans forgot how to drive in the snow. To make it worse, the roads were getting icy. I watched a few people slide off the roads (hint #1 that I should've stayed home). It took over 30 min to make a 10 min drive. Just as I hit downtown, I get a text, another friend is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I am really excited for them. I know they must be so incredibly happy, as they should be. But after a morning of "hey, remember how you aren't pregnant?" moments... it kind of stung. I don't know why it stung. I knew they were trying and I have fully expected to hear this news from them anytime now, but still... then I was just annoyed that my first reaction wasn't "yay! that's awesome" instead of the gut punch it felt like.

I decided, maybe I just need to head home and have my pity party there... though I'd accomplished absolutely nothing, I turned around and headed back. On my way home I decided that since I'd run out of tests, I should probably just pick some more up (just in case since I haven't started yet either). OF COURSE they put the pregnancy tests in the same section as the condoms and other related items. So while I'm attempting to find the stupid tests with the happy faces vs empty circle (I guess that's because a sad face would piss people off more?)... You get the usual weirdo guy staring you down from a few feet away because if you are standing there... you MUST be looking at condoms and if you are looking at condoms, you probably don't already have someone to have sex with and truly are hoping that some creeper will notice what you are standing in front of and offer to give them a test drive with you. Creeeeeperrrrr. Sadly, this is not the first time that this has happened while I was buying pregnancy tests haha. I find that incredibly weird.

I've broken down in tears a few times today. And I hate crying.... A LOT. Hopefully in the next few days I will know whether or not all of this crying is PMS or pregnancy hormones. PLEASE be pregnancy hormones...

Just one of those days...

Today seems to be just one of those days... I woke up way too early, but couldn't seem to sleep any longer. This means I'm also up before the heat in the house is set to go up to a liveable level. That combined with how cold it is outside... makes for a house that is 60 degrees. Keep in mind that I'm the weirdo who would be happy with the house being 80 degrees. Needless to say, I'm FREEZING.

To make it more fun, I don't know if I can have coffee yet or not. Granted, I know that if I am pregnant, technically I can have caffeine, but I just can't. I can't risk it. So until I know, I am caffeine free. Decaf just isn't the same.

Today is just one of those days that I don't feel right. It's ugly and cold outside. I'm tired. I'm in pregnancy limbo (pregnant, not pregnant... I certainly don't know). I just feel... blah. I have no motivation to get ready for the day or get anything done. What a waste of a Saturday.

Maybe later I'll finally jump in the shower, make myself presentable and take on the day. But for now, I think I'll stay here, curled up on the couch... throwing myself a bit of a pity party.


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Kids...

I've always been someone who loves kids. Not just kids of family members, not just the kids of my friends... kids in general. I've worked numerous jobs where I am surrounded by dozens of kids and that is where I am happiest. Not only do I love kids, but I love babies. I swear, I am such a happy camper when I get to meet up with friends and they let me steal their baby if only for a few minutes... or hours. Me and kids, we are just on the same wavelength. I get kids and kids get me. We have a kinship. Throw me in a room with a bunch of them and I am at home.

All of that said, I just can't wait to have kids of my own. At this point I don't know when or how that will happen for us... I don't know if I will eventually be able to carry a pregnancy to term, if we will use a surrogate, if we will go the adoption route. I just don't know. But I truly can't wait. I love when I get to talk to my friends about their kids or their pregnancies. I am so happy for them all and it's also nice to get the inside scoop, ya know? Get all of their tips and tricks compiled for my future use.

It's so bizarre to think about what life could be like with kids. Obviously, that is something that I've wanted FOREVER, but how would that actually change my daily life? Other than in every possible way, right? haha.



Oh! I bought myself a photo scanner today and I found a few pictures of me attempting to mother either my baby cousin or a baby doll lol. Too funny...


Me and my life size Barbie... we liked to switch clothes lol






Saturday, November 2, 2013

Oh ya, Halloween happened

This year I actually had 2 Halloween costumes. I was Minnie Mouse at work and then at the last minute I threw together a costume as a Jersey girl (Jersey Shore-ish) for a Halloween party. I attempted to tease my hair, threw on some orange makeup and a tight dress and voila... costume haha. Here are a few lovely pics for your entertainment.

So a few months back, the husband and I watched a few episodes of that show, Men at Work. There is a scene where they use the word "whorange"... yes, "whore" and "orange" put together as one lovely and quite descriptive word haha. As I was doing my makeup last night, I turned to the husband and said "how do I look?" Naturally he responded with, "You're WHORANGE!" haha. So that was also how I continued to describe the look all night.





Minnie Mouse - Halloween 2013




The spare room... aka the potential nursery

So over the past 10 months, the husband and I have discussed the plans for our spare room and how we would need to clear it out to prepare it as a nursery. With each pregnancy I thought, well... time to clean that room out. But not once did I remove a single item from that room. I really wonder why that is.

The spare room up until this point has been sort of my "closet room". My vanity is in there along with extra clothes in the closet, extra bedding and of course all of the baby related items that I have accumulated. For starters, I have had a box for years now full of stuff from when I was a baby. Things that I'd hoped to keep for my children. Over the last 5 or so years I've added the odd $2.00 onesie that I thought was just too cute not to buy. In the past 10 months, my "collection" has come to include pregnancy books, baby name books, a diaper bag, maternity clothes, etc. Up until this point the items have sort of been spread around the room.

A few weeks ago I decided I would organize my closet room. I went through some boxes that I hadn't opened since we moved in last December. I also decided to pack up all of my baby stuff into some plastic tubs to keep it dust free, out of the way, and just sort of to give myself a mental break. I then had two tubs of stuff sitting in the corner of the room. Every once in awhile they would catch my eye and I'd pause for a moment and mentally go over everything that was sitting in the corner of that room.

Finally, this week I began to move things out of the spare room. I no longer have a closet room and I'm really happy about it. All that is left in the room right now is a pile of clothes that need to be put away and some clothes hanging up in the closet since we don't have anywhere else to put them (prom dresses, wedding dress, and other random items). It was weird to see that room empty. When we bought the house, we were so focused on moving in and getting set up since it was so close to Christmas, and though I knew that we'd intended for that room to one day become the nursery, I never once thought about what that room would look like. We discussed the layout of literally EVERY single space in the house, except that one. For me, the over planner, that is weird.

I now walk into that room and I can see what it would look like as a nursery. I know where the crib would go, the changing table, the glider, etc. I can see it all. For the first time in a long time, I felt that heart tug again. That moment of tears welling up before I can stop it. In the past 10 months, we've discussed clearing that room out and then filling it with baby furniture one day. I'd always thought that the day that the room was empty, would be the day it would begin to be filled with baby things or painted with the intention of setting up the baby's room.

Tomorrow I will finish clearing out the room entirely and then I will close that door. I will no longer have any reason to enter that room. There will be a part of this house that will hold no use for the time being. I hope that some day soon, we will have reason to enter that room again and fill it with things that will make up a beautiful nursery.

I still have hope.

Baby me :)



Monday, October 28, 2013

Lunch with a friend

This weekend I had the opportunity to have lunch with an old friend. We haven't been in touch for quite some time but it was amazing to be able to catch up. She and I have very similar stories when it comes to miscarriages and I loved that though her story started out very much like mine... she is currently pregnant. I am so incredibly excited for her and her family. Obviously everyone's story is different and even though our stories are similar, her experience is unique.

I see her with that baby bump and it just reminds me yet again that it is possible for me. Hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) I will have that sort of happy news that will add just another layer of peace and comfort with everything that has happened.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Fall... well fall"ish"

I would say this is fall, but really it is more fallish. I do live in Alaska after all. It snowed a few weeks ago but thankfully it was gone shortly after and hasn't returned YET. However, the weather report does call for snow in the next few days :( ugh.

Anyway, I'm happy to say I finally found all of the pieces for my Minnie Mouse costume for Halloween. I was pretty excited about that actually. I rarely actually dress up for Halloween and when I do, it's more of a "oh crap, I need something for tomorrow" kind of thing.

Also, finally got my lazy butt back to working out. I'm sure I will be quite sore in the morning, but that's okay. Down 19lbs and I'd like to lose another 5 to 10 more. :) Hopefully as soon as possible to get all healthy for a soon to be healthy pregnancy (I hope).

Not sure what it is about the cooler weather but I get the sudden urge to bake and organize. I spent a few hours this weekend getting my kitchen in better order. Funny since some of the stuff I organized has been driving me crazy since we moved in in December and that stuff only took me about 10 minutes to get done! That's what I get for procrastinating I guess. Now while I work on this post, I'm waiting for the banana bread I have baking in the oven. YUM! Not sure about you but I like just about all baked goods. Probably because I should have fewer of them...

I've been compiling a list of things on Pinterest that I want to make next. I've found sooo many good recipes there so far and can't wait to try out a few new ones in the coming weeks. If you haven't yet, you must try making these Apple Pie Cookies from Smitten Kitchen found here http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2011/10/apple-pie-cookies/. I've made them a few times and always get rave reviews, that is when they actually make it out of my house haha.

And as for any baby news, right now there is still no news. I don't expect to have any news for a few weeks more anyway. Oh the fun of waiting...

BUT I am in the process of finding some cool ideas for my sister-in-law's baby shower :) so excited!!!

Oh, and the good part about winter coming... excuses to dress Gidget up in her antlers hehehe.


Gidget and the moose - Winter 2012





Friday, October 18, 2013

FRIDAY!!!

Yay! How I love Fridays... :) Granted, Friday is usually quite a busy day at work for me, but that is always worth the days off that follow.

A few things about this week...

*Seahawks won! Oh, have explained yet that the Seahawks are practically a religion in my family? Thankfully, my husband's family feels the same way. Not sure things would have worked otherwise... haha

*Finally got the tickets for the Seahawks game against Minnesota in November. I'm so excited! I've never been to an NFL game before. I'm already trying to convince the husband that I will need a new head to toe outfit for the game. I mean really...

*Passed my first would have been due date... and survived. I got a bit teary eyed at times but overall it was a really good day for me. Husband brought me some beautiful flowers. I used that day's blog post as the opportunity to open up and finally linked to my blog from my personal facebook page. I received so much love and support, it was truly amazing. I can't even explain how it felt to receive all of those messages from so many people. My boss even gave me some pretty flowers... it was so sweet. Overall, a much better day than I ever could have anticipated.

*Going to lunch today with a friend of mine. We keep in touch pretty much daily but we haven't had a chance to sit down just the two of us in a few months. So excited!

*I decided on my Halloween costume for this year. We dress up for Halloween at work and this year I will be Minnie Mouse. Last year we had the theme of superheros... so naturally I made up my own superhero.... Super Shelby! haha so this year I decided to go the Disney route. So far, I have shoes. Yes, that is all. BUT they were only $9 at Kohl's. SCORE! Thankfully, I do have a red dress that might work, but that still leaves the ears, the socks, and the gloves. It is my goal to attain the rest of the costume this weekend. We shall see if I have any luck in that department.

*I decided that I need to start working out again. I've been soooo lazy the last few weeks. ZERO working out. I'm down a solid 18lbs already and I want to kick that back into high gear and lose a few more. Again, I want to be in the best possible shape so that I can have a healthier pregnancy when that time comes. Totally planned to get up early today to work out... The alarm went off, I promptly re-set it to go off later lol. This isn't working out quite like I'd intended.

*Last but not least, how cute is Gidget in her little sombrero? haha. My sister in law bought it for her and I think it's so darn cute. Perfect Cinco de Mayo outfit already!


I swear she doesn't normally look quite that pathetic. She kind of HATES hats... and getting her picture taken haha.


Puppy Gidget

Even Gidget has a Seahawks jersey! :)
Again with the pouting at the thought of a picture AND being dressed in a silly outfit haha


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Thank you

I honestly don't even know what to say other than THANK YOU. I debated as to whether or not I should post about my would have been due date today. I know that sometimes people say "You can't think about that" but how could I not? It was the first time in my life that I had some sort of timeline as to when I could expect to hold my first child. That is a dream of mine... something that I have always wanted. How could I let this day pass without saying something?

I not only posted about my thoughts on today and what it meant to me, but for the first time I also posted a link to this blog from my personal facebook page. That was something that I was sort of nervous about. Yes, I have listed my name and where I'm from, but unless I told you about this blog, no one that truly KNEW me, had any idea that it existed. What would people think? Would I make them uncomfortable? I decided that while yes, I may make some people uncomfortable and that is okay because all that I wanted was to reach even one person who needed to hear what I had to say... who needed to know that they aren't alone in their own struggles and something tells me that I did that.

Now I don't understand why I was even slightly nervous to post a link on my facebook page because I can't even tell you the number of texts, facebook messages, comments, etc that I have received in just the few hours since I posted the link. People who I have never met (friends of the husband), people I never knew very well, people from my past, people from the present... they reached out to me with love and support, more than I could ever have even hoped for.

It truly has meant the world to me to get the words of encouragement and the "we are praying for you" messages. I believe that prayer is a powerful thing and to know that there are people out there taking the time to pray for me... it kind of melts your heart quite honestly. I had expected today to be a bit of a heartbreaking day for me, but it has turned into quite the opposite. In my time of need, I'm being surrounded with love.

I just can't say it enough... THANK YOU to all of you who took the time to read any of what I had to say, all of you who said a prayer for me, all of you who reached out. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

October 15, 2013... the day that would have been my due date...

I don't quite know how to handle a day like today. Is it better to go about my day as if it were any other day? Should I cry because today is the day that would have been the due date of our first child? Or do I rejoice for I was able to even conceive, even though it was a short lived pregnancy?

What do I do?

Today, I am in a much better place physically, emotionally, and spiritually than I was just months ago, but it has definitely been a process. It is bizarre to think back to that morning that I confirmed with a positive test, that I was pregnant. After jumping up and down with excitement at the sight of that one, amazing word... "PREGNANT"... I woke up my husband to share the news. Instantly, I looked up what my due date would be, and there it was... October 15, 2013.

I believe that today will be a bit of a roller coaster for me. I'm so happy that we are working toward starting a family. I'm so happy that I am ABLE to get pregnant. I am thankful for every day that I was blessed to carry our baby.

This past weekend, I ran into an old friend. Someone that I have known for most of my life, but someone whom I had not yet shared my story of trying to conceive... or I guess it would be my story of trying to sustain a pregnancy. There we stood in Nordstrom (great place to tell someone something heavy like this right?), both with tears in our eyes as we talked through the not-so-simple response to "So, when will you start having babies?"

I always feel sort of bad when I unleash my story on an unsuspecting victim. I don't do so to make anyone uncomfortable but I hate that miscarriage is something that is kept so quiet. It is reality. It is common. And as I learned to heal from this experience, talking it out has been a huge help for me. I am so glad that we ran into each other though. She was so supportive, as she always has been for me, but even more than that, she recommended a book to me called "Heaven Is for Real".

When I got home that night, I went to buy it on my kindle. Funny thing though, Amazon told me that I had already purchased it. Which I certainly had not. I'd never read the book, never saw the book, and had never even heard of the book. Here I go again looking for signs, huh? Well, I took it as a sign of "YES, YOU NEED TO READ THIS". So I did. I stayed up the next few hours reading this amazing book.

I'm sure some people who read it will think it is a bunch of fairy tales... and that's okay. That's your opinion, but for me... It was the story that I always knew to be true, but didn't quite know how to articulate. I got the chills as I read through this incredible story. I cried a lot. But then again, I do that more and more these days. I guess I'm getting more in touch with my emotions. Oh joy! haha.

I read that book right through that night and it really made me think. If you'd have asked me even a few years ago, what I believed happened to babies who are lost before or after they are born, I wouldn't have even skipped a beat before I answered, "They go to heaven." After reading this book, I thought more about what that MEANT. Not to me, but for my babies. When we lose someone, but especially a child, we always think about what WE missed out on. I will never get to see my newborn baby. I will never get to hear that baby's first word or watch their first step. I will never take this baby to school or watch them get married. I, I, I... but what about that baby? I take comfort in knowing that not only this child,  but all three of my unborn babies, are in heaven. They will never experience pain or sadness. They will only ever know joy.

While my heart still aches for what would have been, it helps ease that pain... if only just a little... to know that they are happy and healthy and together in heaven.

Today is a bittersweet day for me. I am so thankful for that happiness this child brought me months ago and for the happiness for the day when I will finally get to meet my baby, but I mourn the loss of this child here on earth. Today is the first of three days of "what would have been my due date" that I will experience in the coming months. I can only hope and pray that I will take each one with a bit more joy and a bit less sadness.

Any time that you can take today to just say a little prayer for me and for other women out there like me, would be greatly appreciated. Prayer is a very powerful thing.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

This month... was not my month

I had hoped for the best but as it turns out... this month, was not my month.

I'm okay with it though. I'm not sure how, but I am. I did sort of a have a little pity party for myself the other day and maybe I got it all out of my system then. There will be no June baby for our family this next year... but we can still pray for a July baby! :)

I've been going slightly crazy waiting to find out. It was just that not knowing that was getting to me. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate not knowing things? Not to mention my body was doing really good job of throwing me off. Some of my usual pregnancy symptoms were making temporary appearances this past week or so.

I'm pleasantly surprised that I haven't yet had the urge to throw a tantrum or cry my eyes out. Instead, I will use this next month to get a few things taken care of. I've already lost about 18lbs since July. I ate my feelings for a month or so after my ultrasound appointment where we learned there was no heartbeat, so I had to lose that weight I'd gained. Thankfully I lost those pounds quickly and even lost some extra "I now work in an office and am not on my feet all day" pounds. This extra month gives me more time to get into the best shape that I can before pregnancy. The healthier that I can get before pregnancy, the easier it will be to maintain a healthy pregnancy.

So while this month did not turn out the way that I'd hoped, all is okay. Now, to get ready for next month! :)

Little me on the swings...

Saturday, October 5, 2013

The waiting game...

So as I've posted in the past, all testing has come back "normal". So this was the first month we'd gotten the all clear from the doctor since my last miscarriage back in May/June (it was a lengthy process). Now... we wait...

OF COURSE I got an awful cold this month so I don't think that the likelihood is very good for this month. Husband thinks I must be considering every time we've tried so far, I've turned out pregnant. I'm not sure if it's that I truly don't think I'm pregnant or if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not as to not be disappointed when another month goes by with no baby in sight.

One good thing that has come from everything that has happened this year with trying to start a family, my patience level has REALLY increased. I don't feel quite like the crazy person I'd been previously. Yes, when someone asks me about how things are going, I start to really question every little twinge or possible symptom, but I haven't allowed it to consume my every thought of every day. I must remind myself that my ultimate happiness is not dependent upon a pregnancy.

They always say that "every pregnancy is different" and while a lot about each of my 3 pregnancies so far have been fairly different as far as symptoms go, there was always one consistent symptom, sore boobs haha. I've never been one to get that before that time of the month so that first month I just KNEW. Days before I could test to prove it, I knew. So now no matter what symptoms I think I may or may not have, until I have that one, I will continue to think that this month was not our month.

As I type this I notice that there is a slight soreness starting. I wonder if that means something or if that's what I get for checking 100 times today to see if they are sore? Regardless, I am so thankful for where I am at right now. This has been a tough year but I know that this has all happened for a reason. A reason which I may never know or understand. I can only continue to take comfort in the fact that I know God has a plan. I hope and pray that that plan includes children, but only time will tell.

So for now, I wait. The darn waiting game I've already played 3 times, but I guess pregnancy is full of waiting. I might as well get used to it now.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Random thoughts...

So I've typed out a post for today over and over. The topics have been alllll over the place. So finally I've decided to just post my random thoughts all in one random post. :)

*Here in Alaska, it is winter. It is September and we already have had snow. Thankfully we got rain a few days later and that got rid of what was on the ground, but still. I have accepted that summer is no longer and we are moving on to winter. I decided it was time to pack away the summer clothes for the next 7 months. I always try to pack away my summer clothes in the winter and vice versa. It serves a few purposes. Not only does it make picking out what to wear a bit easier, it also looks like you have fewer clothes, which means you can BUY more haha. :)

*Husband's birthday was this past Monday! We had dinner reservations and all. I woke up Monday morning with full blown cold symptoms. I was MISERABLE. He insisted that we cancel the reservations and he'd just grill himself a steak and watch football. So while he grilled, I laid on the couch in my pjs. It was pathetic.

*My cold. Everyone at work has been passing this cold around for weeks. It seems like the last few people are at the end of it and I thought I'd been lucky enough to make it through and then BAM! I felt like death warmed over on Monday. I somehow made it through the work day to come home and lay on the couch. I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday. I thought I was doing a lot better and felt bad taking any more time off of work so I forced myself to go to work on Thursday. I was a bit of a zombie. Friday I was feeling a lot better, not great but better, but by the end of work I had practically no voice left. By the time husband got home from work, I had NO voice. At all. He just kept laughing at my attempts to talk all night and kept saying "What? I cant hear you." Today, I still got nothing. I let the dog outside this morning and she was just hanging out out there. I wanted to get her inside and close the door so naturally I yelled for her. All I got out was a squeak, which she either didn't hear or chose to ignore. Either way... no voice is really frustrating!

*Latest Dr appt. I went in for another appointment this last week. Yet again, all is good. She actually told me "It looks like there should be a baby in there." lol. Well, that is the goal. She said my body has responded as she'd hoped to the Femara and hopefully I will have good news in a few months. We shall see!

*Favorites things lately. Have you discovered Zulilly yet? If not, you should. It is amazing! They have great deals on new stuff every day. They obviously cater to deals for babies and kids, but they have home decor, furniture, clothes, shoes, etc. For the shopping obsessed like me, it is perfect. Also, MasterChef Junior. If you haven't seen it yet, check out OnDemand and watch it. These kids are 8-13 years old and they are freaking awesome. It is ridiculous how good these kids are. It makes me feel a lot less awesome in my own cooking and baking skills. I just don't get how a 12 year old knows how to do all of that stuff and put those ingredients together. I don't understand how you end up with a 12 year old kid who is practically a chef haha.

*And finally, the fact that it is nearly October and Halloween decorations are now everywhere, I got to thinking about past costumes I have worn. As a kid, every day was dress up day so not all of these are from Halloween, I just thought that these pics were pretty darn funny. First, the obligatory ALASKA HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Yes, your costume MUST be worn over a snowsuit. Every kid's nightmare! I cried, every year. I'm not even sure what I WAS that year? Princess Fairy perhaps? haha.